


All That Remains

by TheImperius



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, PTSD, Sad, non-con, not canon, tamerlane, team mccord
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:43:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6946138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheImperius/pseuds/TheImperius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Picking up the pieces of a life in ruins, all in the name of the greater good.<br/>- A much darker take on S1 E16 Tamerlane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've had this half written for a while, it started as just words I needed to get out of my head but I'm travelling at the moment and have had some time on my hands to polish it up enough to where I've felt like posting it, so read on? I guess?  
> It's not for everyone, nothing too graphic but it'll be angsty and sad, will see how views go as to how much more I post. TIA!

The ringing in her ears was deafening as time slowed down. Her vision blurred, heart pounding in her chest, the smell of dust and gunpowder hung in the air. The blast from outside had knocked her off her feet and had sent her careering to the floor. Gun fire and flashes continued behind her through the shattered windows where curtains once hung neatly framing the length of the wall, distant shouts and screams could be heard amongst the chaos outside in the disturbed night air. A weight pinned her to the ground, the enormous figure of one of her security detail, pieces of brick and shattered glass surrounded her, she couldn't breathe. Giovanni was also on the ground a few feet away, on his back, glasses askew, his suit dishevelled, he mouthed wordlessly, eyes staring skyward as he took his last breath as his petrified son looked on. She could hear the screams of Abdul, innocent and frightened but unable to shield him from the horrifying scene which played out around them. It almost felt surreal as the adrenaline numbed her senses, a nightmare come to life. Elizabeth McCord, the United States Secretary of State knew she shouldn’t have come, the dangers in this part of the world increased ten fold, especially to a female westerner from a country most of the locals referred to as the great Satan. It had always been a thought that lingered in the back of her subconscious, not returning home to her family, but she always told herself she was safe, surrounded by security day and night, she told herself the thought was irrational every time she stepped on that plane, the possibility miniscule, that it wouldn't happen to her, that this was what it took to leave the world a better place for her children. She knew the risks, she understood it was part of her job, but at this moment, it didn’t feel like it was all for ‘the greater good’. 

Blood ran down her right arm and dripped from her elbow, which was free from the weight pinning her body down, smearing crimson the more she tried to move. Hand shaking, fingertips touched the still warm but lifeless face of Fred Cole, whom had been alive just moments before as he shielded her from the spray of bullets that entered the room but had caught at least two of their number. The urge to escape the restraint on her body overwhelmed her, growing with each passing second as panic set in and she felt physically ill as the gravity of her situation sunk in. She needed to get out, she needed to escape, she needed to get home to her family, she just had to, not going home to them, she had decided was never even an option. Hot tears streamed down her face as she too began to scream. 

Three men with their faces covered carrying machine guns emerged out of the dust, storming through the shattered window behind Elizabeth, one swooped down and grabbed Abdul with one arm around the torso and carried the hysterical child out of sight.  
“Where are you taking him? Where are you taking him!” Her screams turned to sobbing cries as the dead figure was lifted off her back and dropped a few feet away, at that moment of relief, she raised herself off the floor onto hands and knees trying desperately to go after Adbul before a foot connected with her side, knocking the wind out of her lungs, sending her crashing back onto the debris strewn floor, rolling over shards of glass, only to look up at the guns the men were carrying now pointing down at her winded and frightened form. 

The first man dropped to his knees on top of her as he ripped at her mauve blouse with one hand, still holding the gun in his other, revealing her bra and heaving breasts. Breathing ragged and becoming hysterical, she flailed wildly with her arms, hitting and scratching the skin they came into contact with but froze instantly, palms up in submission as the barrel of an assault rifle was pressed to her temple by the second masked man that towered over her in the dusty haze. The black metal was hot against her tear stained face, freshly fired, the trigger a foot away, precariously covered by a finger she already knew was prepared to use it. Her mind swam with thoughts of Henry and the children in rapid succession, stuck on replay, their smiling faces flashed behind her eyes. She didn’t feel the pain of the cuts on her arm and back, which now bled heavily through what was left of her shirt.  
“Be quiet!” Was hissed at her in Arabic with the gun pressed firmly to the side of her face at her hairline, she tried to stifle her sobs but she couldn’t breathe, choking between the dust, smoke and lump in her throat. She bit her lip to stop herself gasping aloud. The man on top of her shuffled down slightly to bring his hand to her belt, roughly tugging at the buckle to get it undone, she flinched at his touch and clenched her eyes shut, knowing just how completely helpless she was. Fear overwhelmed her as she tried to struggle under him, he ripped the button off her suit pants, his fingers now connecting with the smooth bare skin between her hips, fresh sobs turned to plea's as her pants and underwear were reefed from her legs. She struggled violently, hysterical, against this violation with every ounce of strength left in her. Screaming sobs issued from her in between wracking breaths as she bucked her body against the restraint, Elizabeth punched his solid chest with her clenched fists but he never wavered. Without warning, the butt of a rifle connected with the side of her head with tremendous force and she cried out in pain. She went limp for a moment, dazed and her vision swimming, black spots appeared in front of her, her head throbbed with every heartbeat magnified in her ears as her own warm blood ran down her face from the split now above her left eye. It was just long enough for the second man to drop down and capture both her wrist and bring them above her head, his hand prints bruising into her skin as he restrained them with much force.

Garments rustled as the first man positioned himself over her body as she fought off the darkness that tried to consume her. Whimpered plea’s escaped her as his knees parted hers, his complete weight now rested over her diaphragm and she wanted to scream, to fight, to run but she couldn’t, her body had failed her as she lay there frozen on the spot just trying desperately to breathe. She felt him hard against the inside of her thigh and sheer terror engulfed her. A high pitched, strangled cry issued from her mouth with the little air she could muster, a hand found her face bringing a cloth with it that covered her mouth and nose. The hand pressed down hard and she couldn’t shake him off, squealing helplessly, praying for a saviour. Black circles surrounded her vision again as she gasped desperately into the fabric, she stared frantically into the face of her captor who was about to take everything from her, a scarf still covered most of his face, his soulless eyes burnt a hole through her very being before finally the dark took hold.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I want to thank you all for the view and reviews here and over on fanfiction.net! They have been very much appreciated and inspiring! I have a general idea where the plot is going but don't want to rush myself into releasing chapters by giving myself a time frame, but if anyone wants to follow my progress you can find me at tumblr.com/the-imperius Thanks again!

Elizabeth was moving; floating through air thick with smoke and dust, her body still limp as she came through her semi-conscious state, blissfully unaware of her present reality, each of her senses slowly becoming attune to her surroundings. She could feel herself pressed against a warm, strong chest, a large, firm hand squeezing her shoulder, a thick arm under the crook of her knees, they moved through the debris with some haste of what was left of Minister Giovanni’s home, now engulfed in flames leaping high into the night sky. The fire light threw eerie shadows out in front of the pair as they moved in near silence, hunched low, looking back over his shoulder every few strides. Dirt underfoot muffled their retreat, the only sound was of the looming figure’s laboured breaths as he carried the secretary away from the rubble. There was shouting in the distance, intermittent gunshots and the crackling of fire flooded her ears but her still hazy mind could not yet comprehend where or why. Then the pain began to seep back in; Elizabeth ached all over, her head throbbed, the cut above her eye had dried leaving a trail of black blood over her temple and into her hair. What was left of her blouse was stuck to the deep, bloody wound on her back now stinging, the gash contaminated by dirt and glass. Fire light danced across her eyelids, forming strange shapes she couldn't quite make out in front of her eyes as she was carried swiftly through the darkness. Her last waking memories began to probe through her semi-consciousness from somewhere close by as if waiting to remind her of their presence. His piercing eyes, his suffocating hand, his weight on top of her, the feeling of him between her legs, it flooded back like a tidal wave and her sentient burst through the surface with a frightening start. Eyes shot open, vision blurred, she gasped aloud and tried to scream again but only managed a strangled cry amongst spluttered coughs and gasps, pain filled her chest as she struggled in the strong arms of whoever was carrying her. Her arms caught in the heavy blanket now wrapped around her frame as she thrashed to get away from her confinement despite the protests of her aching body. The tall, muscular man stopped abruptly and tried to lower her feet to the ground to avoid dropping her as she flailed with every fibre of her being. Elizabeth was now barefoot as she made contact with the dirt outside, unsteady on her weak legs, she fell backward, hair in her face, her vision swam in the low light with images of the tall figure in front of her now bent double moving forward trying to grab her again. More people stepped hurriedly out of the gloom toward her and she wriggled desperately trying to free herself from the blanket, yelping in her attempt to escape.

“Madam Secretary! Ma’am, we’re here to help! Stop! We need to get you out of here!” She paused momentarily, it was a familiar voice, but she was still unable to focus on who it was coming from in the dim glow from the firelight. It took her fuzzy brain too long to realise it was her detail, at least what was left of the already small group which had become separated in the chaos of the blast and following gunfight. Vehicle headlights suddenly came blazing around the corner of a building at speed, skidding to a halt a few metres in front of the entourage, pieces of her detail now surrounding Elizabeth still somewhat dazed. A door was thrown open as she sat there gazing at the black SUV before she was grabbed from behind and lifted completely off the floor and headed towards the cars. She kicked and screamed at the intrusion wanting desperately to be let go, the strong arms around her torso doing their best to hold onto her struggling figure.  
“Wait! Wait! Wait! What happened to Abdul?” She shrieked, hesitating momentarily. She was thrown onto the black leather seat before someone replied from outside the car.  
“He's ok, he's with his mother.” Somewhat relieved to hear this, the door slammed behind her and vehicle immediately started moving, driving away from the mass of a burning building.  
“The secretary is secure, moving to next location, medical assistance needed, will regroup and await further instruction there.” The driver of the SUV said out loud but where that second location was she had no idea, nor could she bring herself to ask, still trying to process what had just happened.

As the car moved off, she managed to shift herself up into a sitting position on the back seat, a sharp pain shot through her from between her thighs up into her abdomen and she cried out, pausing for a moment, adjusting to the pain resonating from her core. She was still wrapped in the blanket, the little fabric left of her blouse hung loosely from her shoulders, her underwear askew where it had been roughly removed and later replaced, the suit pants she had been wearing were now on the floor of the car. The magnitude of her current situation finally dawned in her mind, everything she could remember from the point of the explosion on, rushed back to her like a furious storm ravaging her memories, it had happened, the pain became reality in that moment and she knew, she knew it had happened, it was more than just a terrible nightmare. Her next thought turned to Henry, God Henry… How she wanted him, how she needed him right now. Fresh tears welled in her eyes and she began to sob into her hand, the other clutching at the blanket, her wedding ring now covered in a mixture of blood and dirt, surprisingly, still sat on her fourth finger. Through choking sobs, she pulled her pants up into her lap and attempted to slide them back up her bruised legs one at a time with shaking hands as the car moved, bumping and swaying as they went. Everything hurt, everywhere hurt, she felt dirty, disgusted at herself for letting it happen, it was her fault, she was the one who agreed to come to Iran when she she knew how dangerous it would be. Unable to control herself, she continued to sob, it almost felt like a piece of her had died, to be violated in that way, to lose control of herself and to have her freedom forcibly taken. The car began to slow, rounding a corner and rolled to a stop to find themselves in front of a small fortified building, small lanterns hung around the door providing just enough light to make out the silhouettes of armed guards surrounding the door. Her driver stepped out of the front and rounded the car to her door, pausing for a moment before pulling the handle. Elizabeth hastily wiped her grimy face, doing her best to brush away her tears, she adjusted the blanket around herself, she was still the Secretary of State and there was work to be done before she faced her own demons.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have honestly been blown away with the reviews I've received, I can't thank you all enough! Story writing has never been my forte, it's something I've had to consciously work on for quite a while and will continue to do so. I took a few days away from this fic for a few reasons, number one, I'm now home and have been fighting off jet lag, number two, I also started a bachelor of film and television this week and number 3, I wanted to re-watch a few episodes, Tamerlane and Face the Nation in particular. I love Henry and Elizabeth, they are my OTP of all OTPs, watching Madam Secretary is actually what made me decide I wanted to work in the film and television industry so I'll keep at it, Ch 4 is already half written and there is a smut in progress as well. Thanks again, Imperius <3

A clock at the end of a long corridor chimed 02:00 hours, the sound magnified by the deserted hallway, repeated echoes bouncing off the solid walls. Tonight, lights still illuminated the long stretch of corridor which lead to the Oval Office in the upper floor of the White House. The silence suddenly broken by hurried footfalls on the carpet, erratic, uneven, they headed towards President Dalton bearing news of their Secretary of State, the first they had heard in hours since the explosion which marked the start of the coup in Iran, a coup they had been attempting to prevent. The hallways felt endless tonight, the familiar paths stretched beyond comprehension as Russell Jackson rounded the final corner, nearly running headlong into the door in his haste. He knocked abruptly with a hand already of the door knob, he had no intention of waiting for a reply, not in this instance, not with the message he carried. He threw the door open to find the president of the United States already standing behind his desk facing the door, a "come in" only halfway out of his mouth, a look of apprehension tonight masked his tired features, it had been a long day in the dark.

"She's alive, Bess is alive!" Russell gasped, breathless from his run through the White House. He was genuinely thankful she'd been found alive, he had been guilt stricken at the thought of losing Secretary McCord. The loss of Secretary Marsh was different, he was a traitor, he was about to knife his own president in the hope of becoming the president himself. This was different, Secretary McCord was different.

"Oh thank god…" Conrad replied in relief to the news, sinking down into the large arm chair behind the desk. Russell moved forward a few paces, closing the distance in the familiar room.

"There is," still out of breath, Russell continued, uneasy at the thought of actually speaking these words out loud, his stomach clenched as he spoke.

"There is something else… They found her unconscious at the blast site, Giovanni and at least two of her detail shot dead around her… But she was half naked… It looks like she's been…" His voice caught in his throat, his tongue felt numb, his throat dry, he couldn't bring himself to say it, he felt physically ill. Silence filled the void, he didn't need to finish his sentence, the look on Conrad's face made it clear he understood.

"Oh God.." Conrad slumped down further in his seat. He had never had it happen to one of his own before, not like this, not on a mission he had personally signed off on. Before this moment he thought the death of an agent was one of the worst possible outcomes but this was simply unimaginable. "And Henry? How much does he know?" President Dalton continued wearily.

"Nothing yet, I only just got a short message from the bunker they're currently sheltered in, only a handful of her detail made it there. Do you want to call him or should we bring Ms Tolliver in?"

"Get Nadine in on this, I think at the very least, she should know."

Russell turned on his heels and was gone the next moment, jogging back down the hall, back through the empty corridors to his own office to make that phone call.

Nadine Tolliver was sitting in her office at the state department unwittingly tapping her nails on the desk with nerves. She was never normally this unsettled but having lost another Secretary of State and not knowing where she was or whether or not she was even alive had Nadine rattled. No matter how they started nor how proud Nadine was to admit it, she had grown fond of Elizabeth, they didn't always see eye to eye but she knew she was there for all the right reasons. She wasn't sure how long she'd been staring blankly at the paperwork in front of her, reading over the same sentence a dozen times and had not taken in a single word. It wasn't just her, the rest of her staff had refused to leave until they knew more as well. Daisy, Matt and Jay sat around the conference room in complete silence, no-one spoke a word, exchanging comforting glances every now and then when no-one wanted to break the reticence. Blake, in particular, was frantic, pacing the length of the table, the others couldn't bring themselves to ask him to stop, he didn't handle this kind of stress well but they were all feeling it and dealing with it in their own way. The phone on Nadine's desk rang out in the tiny space, echoing around the room making her jump before fumbling and snatching at the receiver.

"Yes, hello!"

"They found her alive but wounded, she'll be receiving medical assistance as we speak."

"Oh thank…"

"There is something else you should know," Cutting Nadine off, "I would advise the utmost discretion with what I'm about to tell you, that includes the rest of her staff. It appears she was assaulted during the attack. I'm only telling you this because you need to contact Dr McCord, we are arranging transportation back to DC for her and her detail now."

Nadine didn't know what to say, she exhaled out of solace and sheer exhaustion to know they had found her but processing the rest of Russell's sentence proved more challenging in her anxious sleep deprived state. A moment later it came to her and her heart stopped, her stomach jumped into her throat at the thought, it couldn't possibly be true but she needed to clarify.

"By assault you mean…" Questioned Nadine, a grave tone coloured her words. A pause echoed down the line and she had her answer before Russell had formed a reply. He sighed down the phone, this news was not getting any easier to pass on and he was selfishly glad it wasn't his duty to relay the message again to Henry.

"Yes… She was found unconscious, battered and half naked… That's all I know, we're doing everything we can right now to get her on a plane, we all want her back here as soon as possible. We're looking at having her moved to the air base in a matter of hours. Forces are scrambling out of Afghanistan by chopper to provide military protection to get them in the air, the Iranians are still trying to beat back encroaching forces so we need to wait for our own military escort." Russell concluded. Nadine inhaled slowly and answered with the only words she could muster.

"Thank you." And slowly but quietly replaced the receiver. She sat for a moment, trying desperately to fully appreciate the information she'd just been given. That moment of joy that came with Russell's first few words had been swiftly dampened and she felt worse than she did before. Now she had to do what Russell had done and convey the message, but this time closer to home.

Nadine couldn't bring herself to pick up that phone again just yet, she jumped out of her seat and dashed through the outer office toward the closed conference room doors. She pulled both doors outward to be greeted by four anxious faces all turn toward her who, luckily enough for them, only needed to know the best news they could have possibly heard, that their boss had been found alive. She watched the four of them share that alleviation for a few moments almost envious of their naivete before remembering there were others also anxiously awaiting that very same news.

Nadine turned on the spot and quietly left the room, allowing the others to continue to celebrate without her, she made her way back down the hall to her own office, a sense of dread growing with every stride. This was going to be the worst phone call she'd ever made, to pass on the full message as Russell had done before her. She re-entered her office, closed the door and sat down again, gathered her thoughts and picked up the phone, dialing the number she knew would be answered immediately. She was right, not three rings in, Dr Henry McCord spoke through the line, a forced calm resonating in his tone.

"Hello."

"Dr McCord, it's Nadine Tolliver. We have just received word Secretary McCord has been located and is alive, she has been evacuated from the area and is receiving medical treatment at a safe house location whilst her and her detail are prepared for a full evac in the next few hours."

Henry was perched on the edge of their shared king bed in their home at Georgetown. The tv was on near the foot of the bed, he'd been watching the same news cycle over and over again, hoping it would change, praying it would provide a piece of news about the status of his wife even though he knew very few had the knowledge she was even there. Alison and Stevie had been hovering around quietly all afternoon and into the night, having deciphered the clues to their mother's whereabouts hours ago, they had finally fallen asleep in their parents bed whilst waiting up with Henry. Henry rubbed his face with relief, it was the phone call they'd waited an eternity for after Henry had stormed into the Oval office and given the President a mouthful, but he knew he wouldn't be completely comfortable until she was home in his arms. There was a moment's pause, Nadine took another deep breath before she cautiously continued.

"Unfortunately, from what we can gather, from the information that's been passed along, we believe she may have been assaulted whilst her detail was fragmented." Henry sat up right at these words.

"Assaulted? What do you mean assaulted? Is she alright?" His voice growing louder as each word formed, concern dripped from every syllable. Allison shifted slightly and he got up, moving through to the ensuite, quietly closing the door behind him. Nadine had carefully decided on the wording for this next part, she was more tactful than Russell had been passing this on before continuing.

"Her condition is currently unknown but I don't believe her injuries are life threatening. She was found unconscious at the blast site in a compromised state. I'm sorry, that's all I can tell you at the moment, we will know more as communications are reconnected, I will call you again when The Secretary is in the air." And the call was ended.

Those words rang in his head as he removed the phone from his ear, he couldn't believe what he had just heard. His wife, his Elizabeth had not only been in the middle of an active war zone but also attacked in a moment of vulnerability. He couldn't imagine what that was actually like, the pain he felt for her was all consuming, his chest constricted on him, he couldn't think straight, he could think of nothing but her, even with the expanse of distance between them he wanted to will it all away. He moved automatically back out of the bathroom, back to their bed where their two daughters slept and sat again on the bed but this time completely numb and now in a state of shock.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long for this update, I had a bit of a hard time deciding how much to reveal and which scenes I wanted to show. I contemplated splitting this into 2 separate chapters but it felt like it was taking too long to move the story forward, especially after the last chapter felt more like a 'filler'. Anyway, thank you again for the reviews! Read on!

"No, no, no. I'm fine, I don't want it." Elizabeth McCord repeated again, backing away from the nurse in front of her, shaking her head as she went. She didn't want to be looked at, she didn't want to be examined, she didn't want to be poked and prodded, answer questions or speak to anyone else. She knew she needed help, the stinging cut on her back had dulled and her head still throbbed but not here; Not in this bunker with frantic people rushing around, not while her skin still crawled with the ghosts of hands she had been unable to stop, not while the floor, roof and bare walls of this tiny room still shook as bombs fell overhead, not while her detail watched precariously, all nerves on a hair trigger. She wondered how many of them knew, had the one who found her told the others? How many people standing in this small space knew what had happened? Not even she herself knew exactly what had transpired, bits and pieces flashed through her mind the more she thought about it but it was all a blur, she was trying to block it out. None of it made sense, if it wasn't for the stabbing pains she felt every time she moved, every time she breathed, she herself would have believed it to have been a terribly vivid dream. She turned and walked away again, trying her best not to convey the discomfort through her face, she bumped a table in her haze where a woman worked feverishly, she doubted she even noticed. Elizabeth continued to clutch at the blanket as she sat herself in the corner again, recoiling out of the way as more and more people buzzed around her. She wanted nothing more than to leave this place. They had descended a set of stairs to this underground chamber which opened to a frenzy of activity, the smell of damp earth hung in the air, putrid and mouldy, it felt like a concrete tomb. The steady hum of generators made it difficult to think as they powered the fluorescent lights above, it was claustrophobic, in combination with the cracked ribs she was sure she had sustain and her rising anxiety levels from being stuck where they were, it made it difficult to breathe. Her rational mind told her they were working on it, that they couldn't just up and leave from their only shelter, but the other half of her brain wanted to shed out of her own damaged and contaminated skin and run; run from here, run from people, run from the memories attempting to break through her mind, run back to her family, run back to Henry.

Elizabeth had done her job, with the thought of going home the only thing keeping her from breaking down, she had gathered herself together, suppressing her own emotions and suffering just enough to speak with President Shiraz who had come to find her. He had remained unharmed during the attack which seemed a small victory in comparison to the massive assault sustained across the region and those that had perished during the ensuing fire fight, but in all, it meant that the coup had failed. Although that wasn't the job she was dispatched to perform, it could have been so much worse had she not travelled to Iran to defuse the scheme old friends had planned and initiated. It was beyond her comprehension that Andrew and Juliet had been wrapped up at the centre of this terrible plan, it still pained her terribly to know what they had done to George and Secretary Marsh to achieve their twisted end goal. She knew they were both more than capable but they were now something akin to terrorists in their finest form.

Her own security had informed her they had managed to get a short message to the White House and they were waiting for a helicopter escort back to the airbase which should reach them within the hour. She was just waiting for the call, she would lead the charge back to her plane as soon as they received the green light. She could have sworn they were all staring at her. Her skin prickled with a thousand piercing eyes, but every time she looked up they had all averted their gaze. She couldn't stand it and was feeling more and more out of control with every passing minute, as if this mask she was trying desperately to maintain would falter. She tried not to look at any of them, distracting herself counting threads on the blanket, getting to 100 and starting again. The monotony kept her breathing even and her mind focused on what was right in front of her. She wasn't sure how long it had been, or how many times over she'd counted to 100, it wasn't until someone stepped into her peripheral vision did she finally look up from the blanket. A younger man with a grimy face in a dirty suit stepped forward timidly.  
"They're here." He motioned to the door. They were all the words she needed, she jumped out of her seat with such haste it startled the young guard, clearly not expecting her to move so abruptly after he'd watched her sit so still for nearly an hour. The rest of her detail scrambled after her as she reached the stairs before them all, desperate to get out of there, desperate to get home.

* * *

The front door opened and then clicked shut, the silence ringing through the house was deafening. A phone call early that morning had left Henry completely distraught. Nadine had finally called back to confirm the Secretary was in the air, but more disturbing details had followed that would need immediate attention the moment Elizabeth arrived home. They had haunted Henry all day as waves of anger and complete devastation washed over him again and again, helpless to his soulmates plight. He had paced all day, checking his phone at regular intervals in case he missed something even though it had not left his hands. Elizabeth could not feel her legs as she stepped into the hall; Her arms heavy, exhausted, she wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. Her hair was dull and pulled back, dark circles surrounded her eyes and she felt hellish. She had suppressed every thought, every image, every scenario that had tried to materialise on the plane journey home. One of her detail had finally told her, after much persuasion and in great distress, how her extraction from the house had eventuated. After piecing it together with what she could remember herself, it took every ounce of strength left in her not to be sick in front of him. She then excused herself, finally escaping to the privacy of her quarters and emptying the non-existent contents of her stomach in the bathroom. It was then she had allowed herself to let go of the blanket and change her clothes. She didn't look in the mirror, she didn't look at herself as she moved slowly around the room, she was still covered in dried blood and filth, some of which she knew and was trying not to think about, wasn't hers.

Then, at long last, she saw him. Henry had been waiting in their office, his face contorted with anguish as he turned to look at her, he covered the ground with a defeated stride. She didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say, she was just so glad to be home that every thought and emotion she had suppressed from the last 18hrs finally overwhelmed her at the sight of him, her facade shattered and she collapsed into Henry's open arms. He wrapped his arms around her sobbing frame and just held her, the only thing stopping her from ending up on the floor. She clutched at his chest with shaking hands, a flood of tears soaking his shirt, great wracking breaths consumed her as she sobbed uncontrollably in the middle of the entrance hall. He was glad none of the children were home to see this, all he had said was Elizabeth was fine and was coming home, that was all they needed to know until he had seen her for himself. He had scheduled an urgent doctors appointment for her, Nadine told him she had blatantly refused any form of treatment which he was surprised to hear at the time but understanding dawned on him while she stood there in his arms.

He waited patiently for her body to still and go quiet, whispering to her, rubbing a comforting hand down her back, trying gravely to keep himself calm, to not completely lose it at the sight of her. He had never seen her like this before; Of course she had cried, clung to him in times of great despair throughout the course of their many years together but this time there was something missing and it frightened the hell out of him. He wasn't sure whether it was the strength she possessed or the warmth she usually projected but the sparkle in her eye was gone. With a hand on either shoulder, he pushed her out so he could look at her, she held such sadness in her eyes, it broke him to see it etched into every inch of her tearstained face and deep into her very soul. Henry was beside himself to see her like this, she was so broken and he was desperate to put her back together. Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, he gave her arms a gentle rub and spoke as softly as he could.

"Baby, there's somewhere we need to go ok? You need to be checked over by a doctor, I made an appointment, I'll come with you." He finished, unsure what else to say, she dropped her gaze to stare at her hands still tangled in his shirt. She knew he was right but she couldn't face it on her own, being violated again as she was forced to reveal the memories consuming her mind when all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole and never come out. She nodded, reluctantly, the promise of Henry going with her was the only thing keeping her standing.  
"I… I need to shower first." She croaked, still not meeting his eyes. He was somewhat taken aback with her response but nodded and took her hands in his, prying her fingers from his shirt and began to lead her to the foot of the stairs.

They ascended the staircase to their bedroom, hand in hand, Henry trying to prepare himself for what he was about to see. Elizabeth wanted to do it on her own, she wasn't ready to let Henry see her tarnished body but he would eventually see something when she was being examined and rathered him see her first in the privacy of their ensuite rather than the doctors exam room. He led her into the centre of their room and closed the door behind her, anxious fear crept through her at the thought of the one man she had devoted half her life to, seeing what had become of her. She had been ruined, not only for herself but for him. He turned back to see her staring at the floor beginning to shake, he stepped forward, arms outstretched, trying to comfort his wife but she startled, flying backwards into the night stand. A moment later she realised what she had done, she buried her face in her hands as fresh tears blurred her vision.  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" She sobbed. Henry lowered his hands, heartbroken, a lump forming in his throat, not only to see her like this but to comprehend what he had done to her. Working in the military and being a college professor, he knew enough about sexual assault victims to understand how difficult and complex this grieving process was and would be. He shook himself and regaining his composure, took a step toward her, taking measure of his pace and took her hands again, gently pulling them away from her face.  
"It's ok. We can work through this." He replied with as much strength as he could muster. "Let's get you in the shower." He finished, leading her on through the wardrobe and closing the door behind them.

She stood frozen with her back to the door, terrified of what she was about to do. She too was yet to see everything that was hidden under her clothes, her mind racing with images she now couldn't control. Henry squeezed her hand, bringing her back to the room, she blinked away more tears, took a deep breath and looked up to Henry for support. His eyes were full of such warmth and comfort, it eased her nerves to see such strength in the man she loved so dearly. He slowly moved his hands to her shoulders and slid the coat down her arms, tossing it over the bathtub. Gradually, he moved to the hem of her shirt, pulling it upward, encouraging her to raise her arms. She winched with the motion and tried to hide it but it hadn't gone unnoticed by Henry. He pulled it up over her head and deposited it on the floor. Her arms, now free from her shirt moved automatically across her body showing the discoloration of her wrists and the long cut down her forearm. There was a bloody smudge down her side almost not visible for the large purple bruise covering her ribs and waist, some of which was still hidden under her bra. She felt ashamed as Henry gawked at her, shifting her elbow in an attempt to obstruct his view. He tore his eyes away and tried to give her a comforting smile but it didn't reach his eyes. He turned away to run the hot water, trying to stop himself staring at the bruises that pained him to think about how they must have got there and how she must have suffered. He heard the shuffling of fabric as Elizabeth hesitantly removed her pants, depositing them in the pile of clothes she wanted to burn. She still couldn't bring herself to look in the mirror above the vanity, she hated her own skin, this body she had lived in her whole life, she didn't want anymore. After checking the temperature of the water he turned around to find her struggling to undo her bra. He stepped around her and had to stifle the sound that erupted from his throat as he got a clear view of her back. Cuts and abrasions covered most of her shoulder blades, the large gash had bled everywhere smearing blood in every direction making it appear much larger than it already was. The bruising on her side also continued around so her back was an array of angry red and purple patches across her ghostly white skin. He unclasped the strap, letting her take it off when she was ready and waited as she shuffled and stepped out of her underwear, folding her arms against her chest. She finally caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she looked so ghostly and fragile in the rising steam, she didn't recognise herself. Tears forming again at the sight of her own foreign body, she choked down the lump before whispering over her shoulder,  
"Can you please leave?" It agonised her to say but she needed to scrub away this defiled feeling on her own. Henry paused, opening his mouth to say something, wondering if it was the right thing to leave her now in this delicate state. Elizabeth was fighting the tears, it was only when she heard the door close behind Henry did she step under the cascading shower letting it scorch her skin, allowing those tears to fall as she wept silently.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it again, I'm sorry! The weeks got away from me as they usually do, that and I do this thing where paragraphs for future plot write themselves in my head so I've written a fair amount for the next 3 chapters this week as well as starting filming my first major assessment. Anyway, this chapter was longer but it didn't feel right where it stopped so I cut it off earlier. On the up side, Ch 6 won't be too far away because it was nearly finished as part of this chapter. I also wanted to make a note here that any further storyline will not be to 'canon' as such, I'm not interested in writing the aired scenes word for word. What I will be trying to do however, is flesh out the PTSD, the symptoms Elizabeth displays and the way the character handles them. Whilst I myself have never experienced such a horrific event, I know people that have and I have a bit of personal experience with PTSD which I will be trying my best to put into words.
> 
> Thank you all again for the reviews! They inspire me to write and make my day. Read on!

Elizabeth awoke with a start. She was sure she could hear his heavy breathing in the dark, feel his hand covering her face, his weight on her chest, she was sure she couldn't breathe. Her heart pounded beneath her rib cage, her ears ringing with the echo of a child's scream in the still night air as she lay there, shaking, trying to catch her breath, trying to remember she was at home in her bed with her husband by her side. She hadn't wanted to sleep, she hadn't wanted to close her eyes, but exhaustion must have overcome her at some point whilst curled up against Henry's chest, trying not to make a sound, the pillow wet with tears, long after she had felt him still and his breathing become deep and steady. She had wanted to be both near him and by herself, her lack of comprehension of her own feelings had sent her mind reeling again and she was more than frustrated because of it. A wave of nausea swiftly overcame her and she sat up, wincing, trying to untangle herself from the sheets that clung uncomfortably to her suffocating body with cold sweat as the bile rose in her throat. She shifted off the bed, stumbling to the bathroom and made it just in time to retch into the bowl.

Henry had woken to the sound of her gagging. Disorientated in his sleep ridden state, he soon realised what he'd heard and leapt out of bed, moving through the dark toward the sound that had abruptly woken him. The sight of Elizabeth kneeling on the tiled floor heaving, greeted him as he flicked on the light. He sank down next to her and moved a hand to her back, rubbing between her shoulders until the convulsions stopped and she was able to catch her breath.  
"Are you ok? Can I get you anything?" He asked quietly, his voice quiet and comforting. She shook her head, sitting herself down closer to Henry on the cold tiles, trying to slow her breathing and settle her thundering heart. Henry just sat and watched her from behind, continuing to rub her back while tears rolled down her cheeks, the nightmare and nausea fading away. She made a move to get up and Henry sat back, letting her rise first before he followed. She stepped over to the vanity and rested a hand on either side of the sink, keeping her eyes averted from the mirror.  
"Go back to bed, I'll be back in a minute." Her voice creaked, barely above a whisper. He paused for another moment then turned back to the door, despondent he couldn't take her grief and nightmares away. Elizabeth turned on the tap and rinsed her mouth, splashing cold water over her face which mixed with her warm tears before slowly drying her face, taking a deep breath and dragging herself back to bed.

The doctors appointment hours before had been worse than Elizabeth could have ever imagined. She couldn't remember her answers to the questions she was asked, only how pale and horrified Henry had looked as he sat, rigid and statuesque, listening to her monotone responses as he reimagined the images again and again. She then had to strip down for a doctor and nurses to be photographed, x-rayed, have her wounds inspected, cleaned and dressed. To lie on a thin, clinical mattress with nothing but a hospital gown to cover herself and be touched by cold, gloved hands was unbearable. She kept her eyes clamped shut, reminding herself to breathe as she squeezed Henry's hand trying her hardest not to kick them away and bolt from the room, flinching every time one of them moved. She had cried, again, as soon as they were left in private, clinging to Henry, desperate for the comfort that came with his embrace. She felt humiliated by all the lingered stares and the sympathy that filled their faces, Elizabeth wanted nothing more than to become invisible to all the peering eyes. The doctor had come back in with a paper cup of pills in different colours and sizes which she took without complaint, drawn blood, handed her a prescription and instructed they wanted to see her again the following week. She was so thankful to be able to put her sweatpants and baggy jumper back on after hours of torture and the pair travelled home in complete silence, Henry simply holding her hand. The three children had been waiting for them as they walked back through the door in the dark, all rushing to their mother, glad to see her home. She had nowhere to go with Henry and the door behind her and simply braced herself as arms and bodies crashed into her. She grimaced from the collision with her confirmed cracked ribs but the familiar smell of Alison's hair calmed her and she settled into their warm embrace. She drank in their smiling faces, as they brought the first glimpse of one to her own after what had felt like forever, and she knew that was what had brought her home.

She struggled to keep herself composed around the children over the next few days, often wanting to burst into tears or stop herself from displaying her panic when she was accidently cornered or her reactions to an unexpected loud noise. She considered at the very least telling Stevie, but after some discussion with Henry, she decided she didn't wish to burden her daughter with such a horrific thought, not yet anyway, it was still too raw. Her doctor had called Friday afternoon, the tests had found DNA samples and nothing else sinister from the initial exam but she needed a follow up consultation in a few days to have her wounds checked and more tests done. She had needed to lock herself in the bathroom and cry again after the doctor had hung up, overwhelmed by the simple and realistic things that made complete sense but hadn't even occurred to her before now. By Sunday afternoon she had been home for three days, having moved through periods of great despair, emptiness and white hot rage, which she was attempting not to take out on those around her, she wanted nothing more than to get out of the house. She had not yet spoken to anyone directly, but a text from Russell had told her to take as much time as she needed, to which she had felt too embarrassed to reply, realising that both Russell and Conrad would have known in more detail than she cared to think about. She had instead cleaned vigorously, making the house spotless again and again and had decided, even though she had been told not to by the doctor, by Henry and by the children who had since sensed their mothers anxiety, she would go into the office to escape her memories. She was sure there was much to do and thought it would be a welcome distraction where her staff wouldn't be walking around her on egg shells, to be in a place where someone wasn't watching her tentatively every second of the day to ensure she was ok. She had suggested her idea to Henry on Sunday afternoon and as expected, he didn't think it was a good idea, but when her temper rose he had backed down and told her to do what she needed to do. Elizabeth had avoided his questions, she wasn't ready to talk to him as she was still trying to understand the chaos of feelings and emotions she could not control. He wasn't about to argue with her, that was the last thing she needed from him but he understood this would be a process he wanted so desperately to protect her from while she was still in such a fragile state. He conceded, he wasn't going to win a battle she wasn't ready to face but was so determined to take on on her own.

He had tried to talk her out of it again Monday morning after another restless night of her crying out into the dark but she refused to relent. Elizabeth was still very sore, aching all over but had set herself a goal, she was determined to get out of the house and get back to the normality of her routine. In her mind, she thought if she could manage that, she could pretend Iran had never happened and go back to her life. She had waited for the children to leave before she had showered, pulled on her suit pants to hide the bruising up her legs, a dark, long sleeved blouse to cover her arms and wrists, and done her hair and make-up, trying her best to cover the dark circles and pallidness of her complexion. As she walked gingerly back down stairs, having finalised her masquerade, Henry thought he would try one last time to make her see reason and change her mind.  
"Babe, please. Please stay home and just rest, you hardly slept at all again last night." He pleaded, watching her cross the kitchen and stand at the sink. He too was tired after being awake with her most of the night. Not that he would ever complain, but it was draining watching her turmoil by night and her grief by day and being completely helpless to stop it along with her refusal to let him help.  
"No Henry, I need to go back to work, I've been away for a week. The paperwork will be stacked a foot high." Elizabeth wouldn't look at him, her back to the room as she fused at the bench making her coffee. She wasn't going to come clean about her intentions and was immediately frustrated that she had been cornered into this conversation. Why couldn't he see what she was trying to achieve? Iran had hurt not only her, but them, and she hated that it was completely her doing.  
"No you don't," He replied more forcefully than intended, shaking his head. "They can get on just fine without you for a few more days." He manoeuvred around the island bench to stand behind her. He saw straight through her excuse. There was no crisis on earth that needed more attention than Elizabeth needed herself. She scoffed aloud, unable to contain herself now.  
"Easy for you to say, Professor." She bit back with venom still not meeting his eye and realised it was undeserving as soon as she'd said it, but he had continued to press her and she could feel her control slipping away.  
"Really? We're going there? Fine. You're not ready to go back to work. You're not sleeping, you're not eating, you haven't stopped crying, the only thing you're going to do is make things worse for yourself." His temper now rising at her sheer stubbornness but he was trying to keep his cool. He knew it was wrong to become that frustrated with her but his own emotional rollercoaster had been suppressed in order to show strength for her. The fear, rage and heartache all bubbled just below the surface but he refused to let her see them now she needed him more than ever. Why couldn't she see what she was doing to herself, he was being forced to watch the love of his life and best friend self destruct right in front of his eyes with no power to stop it. There was a pause with his retort, he reached out and touched her shoulder which she immediately ducked away from, throwing his hand away.  
"I'm fine Henry!" Finally turning around to face him, cheeks flushed, her knuckles white from gripping the edge of the bench.  
"No you're not, not even close. I've been waiting for you to talk to me but we seem to have skipped that step altogether."

"I can't… I can't do this right now." Her voice lowering as she dropped his gaze and headed toward the front door, her mind already made up. Henry just stood there completely lost and watched, baffled and hurt as she walked out the front door, stepped into the SUV and left in the motorcade for the state department.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had finished a version of this last week but I didn't like it so it took a few days to fix. I found this really challenging so forgive me if it's not what you expected. I also have 2 assessments due this week and all I could think about was this story... I'm terrible I know... Anywho, chapter 7 is one of those chapters I partially wrote a few weeks ago so again, shouldn't be long if I knock these assignments over quickly! Thank you for the reviews, they're all greatly appreciated xx

No-one had expected to see her step out of the elevator, no-one lying in wait with matters that urgently needed her attention, the tablet of doom nowhere to be seen. Staffers scrambled to their offices as she strode through the long corridors to her office, hidden behind her long, thick coat. She knew people were watching her as she went and had to keep reminding herself that none of them really knew what had happened in Iran, that they weren't staring at her the same way the doctor, nurses and her detail did. Blake jumped up from his desk in surprise as she rounded the final corner to the outer office. Matt had been milling around, hopping up from a nearby desk at the sight of her.  
"Morning ma'am! Didn't expect to see you today! Are you ok?" He spluttered, pushing his glasses back up his face that had slipped down his nose with the sudden movement. No she wasn't ok, she wasn't even close to being alright especially with the remnants of her argument with Henry still fresh in her mind, but Elizabeth smiled and answered with as much conviction as she could muster through the facade.  
"Good morning Matt, nice to see you too. Yes I'm fine." He smiled slightly in return and slipped away, trying not to run to tell Daisy and Nadine she was there. Matt was more than surprised to find her walking through the building with nothing but a cut above her eyebrow to show for her traumatic ordeal just days before. Since the night she had disappeared, all the staff had heard was vague pieces of information that Elizabeth had been injured in an explosion, had been trapped in the middle of a war zone for hours before being evacuated to safety and that a number of her detail had died protecting her in that time; He couldn't even begin to imagine what that must have been like. Blake had been standing mouth agape as she approached, caught off guard, he had no idea she was coming in today and that was the kind of knowledge he never didn't have. He quickly adjusted his expression to one less of surprise and more of welcome even though mingled concern could be seen in his features having also heard the story the rest of her staff had, all bar one.  
"Good morning ma'am, lovely to see you back on your feet. Can I get you anything?" He rushed on, falling in step behind her when she didn't stop at his desk and followed her through to her office.  
"Morning. Thank you but no, I'm fine." Sweeping around her desk, placing her bags on it's polished surface, doing her best to release the tension in her shoulders and smile back. Blake stopped in front of her desk, eying her almost warily before nodding and walking back out, closing the door behind him. Elizabeth immediately released the breath she didn't realise she'd been holding and sank into her chair, adjusting her tired body to get comfortable on the cold leather which felt irregularly jarring today.

Nadine had swiftly leapt from her chair as she heard Matt's announcement that their boss was back before they expected. She marched through the outer office, holding a hand up to silence Blake as he opened his mouth to say something, until she stood at the secretary's door, raised her fist and paused a moment before wrapping twice on the wood. At the invitation to come in, she closed the door behind her, approaching Elizabeth cautiously where she now sat behind her desk, heavy coat still wrapped around her body.  
"Good morning ma'am," She paused, a little shocked to indeed find her here after the chilling phone call just days before which contained the details from the security team of her exfiltration in Iran. It almost felt wrong that Nadine should know, to look at this woman in front of her and imagine the horrors she had faced only days before and to now find her here on Monday morning, back at work as though nothing had happened. Unsure what to say, Nadine smiled slightly and decided to go with the obvious. "We didn't expect you back so soon." Elizabeth nearly snorted aloud, she looked up at her with a determined air, trying to brush off the concerned tone.  
"Evidently, that's what everyone keeps telling me." Nadine hesitated, shifting nervously, tension creeping across her forehead, before continuing.  
"I'm sorry ma'am, are you alright?" She was looking at Elizabeth with such concern now held in her features, the evidence of knowing peering through her eyes and Elizabeth's heart dropped into her stomach. She hadn't even considered the possibility of her staff knowing, the thought hadn't even occurred to her. Part of her plan had consisted of her getting through the day pretending it hadn't happened in the first place but the look on Nadine's face made her come unstuck and her mask faltered. She opened her mouth to say something but couldn't find the words. She closed it again and looked down at her hands resting on the desk in front of her, unconsciously twirling her wedding ring around her finger, her shoulders dropping as she heaved a sigh.  
"You know…" She mumbled, more to herself than anything, still staring down at the desk. An awkward silence filled the void as Nadine grappled with her answer before nodding slowly.  
"Yes." She responded quietly, dropping her gaze, abashed to know her secret.  
"Do the others?" Elizabeth questioned trying to keep her voice even, still looking at her hands, concealing the tears which now welled in her eyes.  
"No ma'am, I was under strict instructions to keep it private." Nadine replied uncomfortably. "The only person I told was Dr McCord." Elizabeth looked up suddenly at those words, glaring at Nadine, her eyes shimmering with tears. Of course she'd told Henry, who else did she think would have done it. Indignation rose up her chest again at Henry, that he hadn't mentioned anything about it to her, especially with the tactic Elizabeth wished to employ that day before rationally remembering that he had tried to talk her out of it and that she hadn't told him anything about it at all, other than the fact she was going back to work.  
"Good, I want to keep it that way." She tried not to spit back, it wasn't Nadine's fault, she knew that but she couldn't stop the swell of animosity that simmered in her chest that Henry was right and she had already failed her objective for the day.  
"Of course. But Ma'am, are you sure you're…"  
"Yes I'm fine!" The tears finally spilling down her cheeks with her outburst. Elizabeth immediately jumped up and turned her back on the stunned Nadine, clearly taken aback. She took that as her cue to leave. She was about to close the door behind her when she looked back at Elizabeth still standing with her back to the room, arms folded around herself.  
"Please let me know if you need anything at all, ma'am." Nadine said quietly into the void before closing the door gently behind her. Pretending everything was fine was going to be much harder than she had expected and there was still a whole day of it a head.

* * *

Elizabeth's first day back at work, thankfully, had been quiet. She was thankful for the simple fact she had struggled all day. Around mid morning, Blake had timidly poked his head in to let her know of the funeral arrangements the following week for the DS agents that had died in Iran and from that point on, she had to fight hard to keep the tears and memories at bay. She had been, in a sense, re-traumatised to be presented with the aftermath of Iran that hadn't involved trying to suppress her own now she was well and truly back in the realm of reality. She knew she would have to attend those funerals, how could she not? Without those lost lives she knew she would not have made it home alive and would be forever indebted to their service. But after such a trying first day back at work, how could she face the people at those services? She no longer felt worthy to make tribute to men with such courage and bravery, hell she no longer felt deserving of Henry when she couldn't even face looking at her own reflection. She was undeserving of them all, a new anxiety had simmered all day at the thought, along with Henry's words from that morning which played over and over in her head, unable to shift them, opening every syllable to deep and frightening interpretation. She had been left alone most of the day, even by Russell and the White House which she only suspected because they didn't know she was there as no-one was game enough to make that call. She sifted through paperwork at her own leisure but failed to focus on her task, finally giving up, she decided to head home early. She was silently grateful, to Nadine in particular, that she could be trusted to keep such secrets to herself especially after her outburst that morning as her and Blake warded everyone away from her office, but again she wondered how long that sort of information could be kept secretive.

The house was quiet, unsurprisingly, except for the tapping of a keyboard coming from their office, which she dragged herself toward absentmindedly. The typing stopped as Henry heard the door close and was immediately on his feet, hovering around his desk, unsure what to expect after the way she had left that morning. She looked defeated as she trailed into the office, dumping her bags on her desk and without even looking at him, turned toward the stairs.  
"I'm going up to bed." It was barely above a whisper. She was exhausted and did not have the energy to continue where the morning left off, nor was she capable of dodging more conversation. She was fully prepared to lock herself away from the world even though she wanted nothing more than to fall asleep in Henry's arms.  
"Do you want me to come with you?" Henry replied quietly before she reached the door. He was ready for anything, anything she needed of him, he would have traded his own soul just to take her pain away. He realised he had pushed her too hard but he hated watching how her silence was eating her inside and no matter how he tried, he couldn't stop it from happening. She paused mid stride, obviously contemplating his words. It was a peace offering, that much she recognised, but the reality of the day had changed her perception and it frightened her, the immeasurable gravity too much for her to bear. Henry was so pure and perfect, she couldn't fault him inside or out. He had told her not to go, begged her to stay home but she had already made the choice before having even asked him the question. For the most part, she felt partially responsible for Juliet and Andrew's roles in the destructive scheme and still did seeing the victims of the coup for herself, but from there she refused to count herself in that number; She was the catalyst, she did't value herself enough to be classified as a victim. She no longer felt adequate for Henry considering the immense toll of her actions, she hated herself and every decision she had made. She shook her head, looking at the floor, still unable to express her thoughts out loud, they would betray her despair now sitting so close to the surface. Henry felt drawn to her, reaching out he placed a steady hand on her shoulder, completely ready for her to brush it away again, but she didn't. At that point she could no longer help herself, it slipped out as her voice quavered, thick with emotion.  
"Henry, do you still love me?" His heart broke hearing those words. It had never even been a question for him, he rounded on her, a hand on either shoulder ready to set her straight, ducking his head in order to look her in the eye.  
"Hey, if that's what you're worried about you can forget it right now. I will always be yours, always. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I always have and I always will, what happened doesn't change that ok? I love you babe, I'll always be here for you."

He gently pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. Unable to contain it anymore, she dissolved into tears against his chest, more so in relief than sadness this time. She couldn't see a way past this, no longer able to visualise her future with Henry but she couldn't imagine going on living without him anymore. She loved him, she loved him and their family more than life itself but that concern of being unworthy of his love had manifested quite clearly in the way she now saw herself and genuinely thought that was the way those closest to her now saw her too.  
"I'm sorry Henry, I'm so sorry. For everything." She whispered to Henry's chest, fiddling with the familiar material of his shirt. His arms seemed to draw away her tension and thoughts, she found his embrace so comforting after anguish had tormented her all day, always bringing her back to herself even if that wasn't a comfortable place for her to be.  
"You have nothing to be sorry for. This wasn't your fault. Whatever is going through that beautiful head of yours, none of it was your fault. I know it might seem too much for you right now but we'll get through it, together."

It was at that point something dawned on her; She hadn't kissed him since the morning she left for Iran a week ago. She turned her face up to his, wet with tears, guiding her lips to his. They met in the middle ever so gently, Henry carefully snaked his arms around her thin frame and felt her whole body tense as anxiety strived to overwhelm her. Elizabeth's hands clenched into fists in his shirt as more tears rolled down her cheeks. she felt so fragmented, like they had lost their comfortable intimacy and as far as she was concerned, it was entirely her fault. They broke apart slowly, taking a moment to gather themselves. Henry had felt it too, that unfamiliarity of his wife wanting to pull away but forcing herself to stand there and take it. Elizabeth flicked Henry a sad smile as he wiped away her tears before he took her hands.  
"We're going to get through this, one step at a time." He sounded so confident in his resolve and it calmed her mind believing he would be beside her. With a squeeze of her hands, he turned and led her upstairs. With her back to him, she stripped out of her work clothes, still attempting to hide the colourful bruises on her legs and arms and pulled on her sweat pants and jumper, curling up on the bed, Henry joining her moments later. She was drained and the thought of four more days at work that week with a doctor's appointment in the middle wearied her even more. She didn't have to go, she knew that, but she would make herself, facing the days, battling the hours one at a time.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 is finally here! You have no idea how many times I've rewritten this, not to mention I've been proof reading and tweaking it for a week. Whilst I've been writing this fic, I have basically been listening to Daydreaming by Radiohead on repeat. It's so beautifully sad and just seems to sit well with this fic in my head, I just love it. Thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows, they really do keep me writing through my chaotic week between work and uni, I appreciate everyone who has taken to time to read and keep coming back to my fic. xx

The phone clattered to the floor at her feet, the sound muffled by the rug under the desk. It had slipped through her numb fingers, now shaking violently still near her face. Her chest compressed around her heart which was trying to jump into her throat, it's pace increasing with every beat, struggling to keep its rhythm. Her throat was constricting, making it difficult to breathe, leaving her light headed attempting to comprehend the words playing over in her head like a broken record. Her breathing shallow and uneven, coming in rapid fire succession, she collapsed into the chair behind her desk, her mind racing as pain engulfed her chest, a vice grip clenching around her lungs. Had she heard those words correctly? Surely she couldn't have, it could not be possible. Elizabeth was unable to even form a coherent thought, the doctor couldn't be right. When she received the message from Blake that the doctors office had called, she hadn't expected anything like this. She had attended the check up two days ago; They had redressed her wounds and drawn more blood, she couldn't remember most of that second appointment either, as mediocre as it was. Henry had come with her and spent the entire appointment rubbing a thumb over her knuckles, silently reassuring her whilst he sat in the chair beside her.

She reached down and tried to pick up the phone, fumbling with unsteady fingers, tears dripping onto her hand she didn't realise were falling from her eyes. She raised it back to her ear but the line was dead, barely able to hear the beeping over the rush of blood happening inside her head. Her hand automatically moved over the numbers she knew by heart, clinging desperately to the receiver shaking against her ear. The rings were short and quick but it felt like an eternity before the line was answered.  
"Hi babe, is everything ok?" Henry spoke warmly into her ear. He had been home since lunch time having only had a lecture that morning and was reading over papers in their office. It was like all the air had been squeezed from her lungs, her mouth was dry and her tongue numb, hearing his voice pushed her over the edge and she heaved a great gasping sob into the phone in an attempt to breathe. The sound he heard sent him reeling into complete panic, jumping out of his chair, paper flying everywhere. "Babe? Elizabeth? What's wrong? Talk to me babe!" He was on his feet and heading for the door, keys in hand, pulling his coat on with the phone now glued to his ear as he spoke. Elizabeth couldn't speak as her whole body trembled, irregular sobs now taking over, trying desperately to get air into her chest. She wasn't even sure what she was going to say to him, pain flooding her chest, she didn't understand what or how this could be happening. She threw a hand over her mouth to stifle the sounds escaping her throat, unable to form an answer. "I'm on my way ok? Stay there I'm coming." Although he sounded calm and in control, the panic at the edge of his voice was evident as he ran out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

Elizabeth put the phone down on her desk. Shock and fear overwhelmed her to her very core. She couldn't think straight, words bounced around her head but none of them made sense anymore. She didn't know where she was, she felt detached from herself, floating away through infinity, still struggling to get oxygen passed her constricted throat. She put a hand on the desk hoping to steady herself as the searing pain took hold of her entirely, each heart beat indistinguishable from the next. The volume growing louder and louder, thundering in her ears, magnified by the loss of her other senses. She tried to blink away the dark spots that filled the room, dancing in front of her eyes but was unable to shake them off whilst her heart hammered inside her chest. It was happening again, she could see them coming; Masked faces with guns in the air, powerless to the mirage now taking over, swimming in front of her distorted vision. They bounded through the broken window out of the darkness towards her at full speed, gunfire in the distance, dust filling the room. She couldn't stop them, she tried to scream but couldn't tell if it left her throat. She stood to run but she couldn't feel her legs, helpless to their terror. She was trapped, powerless, unable to escape them again. The ringing grew louder in her ears before morphing into screams which filled her head as they drew closer and closer. She suddenly began to feel light as the faceless figures loomed over her, shrinking away, paralysed with fear, then weightless falling; Falling into oblivion. She didn't feel herself hit the floor.

A knock on the door went unheard as Blake's timid but alarmed voice rang through the room, having heard her cries from his desk.  
"Ma'am, is everything alright?" Worry rose through Blake when he didn't receive a reply. At that moment, Nadine strolled past his desk headed for the conference room. Blake waved her over hurriedly, shifting nervously on the spot. She looked up at him, confused as to his agitated behaviour.  
"Blake? What's wrong?" A frenzy of words made their way to the surface as he stood there nervously.  
"There's something wrong with the Secretary, I thought I heard her crying or screaming, I don't know! But when I knocked I didn't get a reply." He blurted out. A look of apprehension overcame Nadine before she shook herself and approached the office. Blake stood back while Nadine stepped up to the door, pausing for a moment to listen to it's inhabitant. She knocked with urgency, attempting to turn the handle but the lock held it firmly in place.  
"Ma'am? Madam Secretary? Is everything ok?" They waited on bated breath, not daring to move or breathe in case they missed their answer, a moan, whisper, even a cry would do. Seconds felt like hours, the air felt thick and muffled as no reply came from within.  
"Blake check the other door." Nadine ordered, her voice growing desperate, having the knowledge to take a guess at what was happening on the other side of the door didn't make this any easier but she was praying she was wrong. He was so agile in his hurried movements, bounding around the corner to the conference room, shaking the door whose lock also held true.  
"It's locked too." Hurtling back around the corner to Nadine. She decided to try one last time before moving to more desperate measures for which she knew Elizabeth wouldn't appreciate and may, inadvertently reveal what she wished to keep private. "Ma'am, please, can you hear us?" They waited together, leaning toward the door and still no response came from within. She took a deep breath, turning to Blake with a new resolve.  
"Blake, call 911, quietly!"  
"Why? Do you think something's really wrong?" The panic now evident in his usual cool exterior.  
"Probably, I don't know. Just please, make the call!" He eyed her, distressed, but turned and was out of the room and back at his desk trying to hide the unease that was etched over his face as he sat down and picked up the phone. Nadine paced until Blake came back into view, tension held in every inch of her body trying to decide what to do next. Blake opened his mouth when suddenly, their ears pricked to an unfamiliar sound coming from down the hall and both turned simultaneously in the direction of the sound.

Nadine and Blake leapt clear of the doorway in fright as Henry came charging around the corner at a sprint, disheveled and looking stricken, sliding to a stop in front of them, breathing hard, eyes darting from one to the other searching for answers.  
"It's locked! We can't get in!" Nadine babbled, tripping over her own words as they left her mouth. He looked from one to the other again, mouth open in anticipation before stepping back and taking aim. He kicked against the solid door with every ounce of adrenaline coursing through him. The lock gave on the second attempt and the door flung open, bouncing back off the wall to at first reveal a seemingly empty room. Scanning around with military precision, he finally caught sight of a wave of blonde hair on the floor behind her desk.  
"Elizabeth!" He ran to her, frantic, to find her unconscious where she had fallen, barely breathing, covered in a cold sweat. He rolled her onto her side, holding her in place, taking a hand in his. "Elizabeth? Can you hear me? Babe?" He looked around frantically and his eyes landed back on Blake and Nadine still hovering around the doorway, both in shock at what they were now witnessing. "Call 911!"  
"They're already on their way." Nadine replied anxiously, glad to have already made that call. Staffers were beginning to creep out into the hall, curious to the commotion on the 7th floor. Jay and Daisy amongst them, they were the only ones brave enough to leave the crowd and to go to the door. Blake stood rooted to the spot, completely overwhelmed by what was happening in front of him. Daisy strode forward, her brow furrowed.  
"What's going on? We heard a bang and oh my God!" She finally caught sight of Henry in the office, kneeling over a motionless Elizabeth on the floor. "Is she ok? What happened? I just…" She trailed off, Jay then stepped forward to look through the doorway as Daisy had.  
"What the hell happened?" Jay exclaimed, gawking through the huddle around the door.  
"I don't… I don't know…" Blake babbled. They all turned to Nadine looking for an answer; She was still staring into the office, arms folded across her chest, quietly perturbed. Jay shook her from her reverie.  
"Nadine? What happened? I thought she was fine." She couldn't meet his eye, she was sure he would be able to read her mind. The secret sat so close to the surface but Elizabeth's words replayed in her head. "Wait, do you know something we don't?" Her hesitation betrayed her as she grappled with a reply. She couldn't lie to them, not now, they weren't stupid, there would be no covering this up.  
"Yes." She spoke simply, quietly, like she had answered a simple question, a burden unmatched to the one she was carrying. Nadine tore her eyes from the office, walking away from the group to usher the onlookers back to their desks.  
"Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Come on, come back to me baby." Henry continued to speak on the point of tears as the minutes drew on, trying to rouse her consciousness. He kept checking her pulse and taking measure of her breathing for what felt like a lifetime before the familiar sound of sirens could be heard off in the distance, approaching the State Department at speed.

_'Good afternoon Mrs McCord, the results of Wednesday's blood work have come back; There is no infection present but we have received an elevated HcG level indicating an early pregnancy. We will need to see you again first thing Monday morning.'_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry guys... I knew Ch 7 was a major cliff hanger and I honestly didn't mean to leave you hanging for this long, but it got to the end of my first uni trimester and I was just flat out and I couldn't concentrate on this chapter while I knew I had so much other stuff to do. So now I'm on break (Yay!) and I really did get this to you as soon as physically possible. I ended up with two different versions of this but I felt the other one was a little too ooc for my liking. By the way, Ways to Unwind was a bit of an apology for the last chapter so if you haven't read that, go and do so!  
> Thank you again for all the reviews!

The fluorescent light above the bed was bright and clinical, burning rectangle shapes into her eyelids. The rhythmic beep of machines ebbed at the edge of her conscious thought, in sync with her heart beat now steady in her rib cage. She felt heavy, like her gravity had doubled and she was sinking into the mattress beneath her, struggling to pull herself out, exhaustion claiming every part of her body. She felt cold all over, and deep within her, like she was shrouded by a cloak of darkness. Except for the warm hand holding hers, rubbing a thumb lightly over her knuckles, slowly bringing her back to life. She attempted to squeeze Henry's fingers but it felt impossible, like her strength had drained away without her knowledge, left behind in the bottomless pit she was trying to climb out of. Instead, a twitch of her finger made the rubbing stop as Henry looked up to her face, waiting for more signs of life; Aside from the heart monitor attached to her chest, beeping away monotonously in the corner. She could breathe again. She drew great breaths down into her lungs, the cool air filled her chest, she savoured the way it felt as her abdomen expanded freely beneath the hospital gown and blankets.

Her eyes fluttered open under the harsh light, adjusting to the white washed room around her. The sunset now visible through the window pane as she continued to absorb the unfamiliar surroundings. The last thing she remembered was being in her office which obviously wasn't the case now. She internally grimaced at the thought of exactly how she ended up where she was, now wondering if there was any chance it would have been a non event and easily swept under the rug. Her eyes finally landed on the stark contrast figure sitting rigidly beside the bed. His smile came into focus, looking back at her with great relief to see her finally come round.

"Hey, how're you doing baby?" His voice was so quiet, almost afraid to cut through the still air, that any sound might startle her as she roused. For those few seconds between sleep and waking, she was so happy just to see him, before the last memories as everything went dark filled her again and her stomach sank. The dark circles and deep lines in his tired, worrisome face were suddenly evident and a wave of guilt overcame her that she was the reason they marred his handsome features. She gave him a weary, half hearted smile, finally squeezing his hand still in hers, needing to give him something more than just words. She began to wriggle herself upright and Henry leapt up to help, adjusting the bed and propping the pillows behind her. He sat back in the chair once she had resettled, taking her cold hand again.

"Do you remember what happened?" He began slowly, tentative, giving her a chance to confirm what he already suspected had happened, indiscreetly opening a window to get her to talk and give him some idea what triggered it that day. He had recognised the darkness as the week progressed and had had no choice but to sit back and watch it manifest in his wife as she shut down or averted every effort Henry made to let her open up. Her irritability had become palpable as she forced herself to function on less and less sleep and her sudden mood swings had silenced the whole house. The problem was, she was the only person who could stop it. He could hold her, comfort her and support her as he had done and tried to do, but until she was ready to deal with it, his hand could only take her so far.

She knew the question was coming, how could it not? She was smart enough to now recognise the flashback even though she didn't remember it all. Her rational mind knew she had been in her office, at work, by herself. She knew she hadn't been transported back in time or that they hadn't stormed through a window on the seventh floor into her office, regardless of how vivid it had seemed. This much she knew, admitting there was a problem and it was affecting her however, was a different story. She decided to dance around that issue, there were more pressing matters welling within her.

"No. Kind of? I don't really know."

"Ok, that's ok," Giving her hand a squeeze for reassurance, "Just tell me what you do remember." He exuded such warmth and comfort, even now after she looked back on all she had put him through that week, she wanted to cry again. She swallowed the lump in her throat and dropped her gaze, unable to take the intensity his eyes held and the look of apprehension chiselled in his features. She knew the answer to his question and she knew what she needed to say but was still unsure she could voice it aloud, still praying if she didn't confront it, she could wish it away and go back to her life before Iran. She wished more than anything she'd never got on that plane.

This part she was dreading as he waited for her to fill the silence, like every passing second built a pressure within her chest. Not having enough time to process it herself, she was unprepared to break such heavy news to him of the immediate reason they were where they were. She didn't know how much he knew, if anything at all. She didn't know whether they had run more bloods, what tests they had done, she didn't even know how long she'd been out for, but she wasn't ready.

"I, uh... I got a message, from Blake, to call the doctor. So I did." He looked on expectantly and waited for her to finish. His own memory of the phone call he had received from her flashed through his mind as he pieced together a timeline of the afternoon's events in an attempt to understand it and help her in whatever way he could. She couldn't stop the tears that welled as she looked at him, another blow to her tally of ways she had let him down.

"Henry…" There was a long pause as she swallowed thickly. Her voice broke with the only words that came to mind as they screamed in her subconscious, unable to keep them to herself anymore. "I'm pregnant." He stared back blankly as he processed her words. They were so far from what he expected to hear, it threw him into a tail spin. This was unlike the previous announcements many years ago which brought them such joy and excitement. Instead, it filled her with a panic she had never experienced before. The prospect of the unknown was slowly building a fear within her, she couldn't hope to contain or cope with it on her own.

He didn't react as she expected him to; He was quiet, in shock, as he tried to absorb what he had heard. The silence was oppressive and she couldn't stand it. She shook her hand out of his to cover her face, the tears finally breaking through and this seemed to wake him from his stupor. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed and pulled her toward him, resting her face in his shoulder to cry quietly.

"Are you sure?"

"No! I mean, that was just what the doctor said. They wanted to see me again Monday morning. And then I..." Her sobs finally became audible and Henry held her a little tighter. At that moment, the curtain that concealed the door was flicked a side and a doctor in a white coat appeared before them.

"Hi, I'm Dr Parker. It's good to see you awake, Mrs McCord. How are you feeling?" He stopped at the end of the bed and grabbed the chart by the wall, looked down it and scribbled something on the page. Elizabeth was immediately uncomfortable with the unfamiliar man in the room and gripped Henry a little tighter. She needed time with her husband, to process everything racing through her mind and couldn't help the resentment at the intrusion on their privacy in such a vulnerable and intimate moment. Henry felt her stiffen in his arms, sensing her discomfort, he gave her a gentle, reassuring rub. He didn't want to let her go but this doctor was the person who was going to tell them they could leave or not and he knew he needed to get her home. Once the doctors had told him she was physically ok, he knew it was time to deal with the other issues at hand and they were going to have to work through them together. She wiped her face of her tears and sat back on the bed, trying her best to seem ok and ready to go home.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"The good news is you're ok. We believe it was a spike in your blood pressure that caused you to pass out. I'll check it again now. Can you tell me what happened?" The doctor looked up at her expectantly, waiting for a response as he picked up the arm cuff and moved to the side of the bed. She held out her arm automatically and tried not to shy away from him, looking down at the sheets in front of her as the band inflated around her arm.

"I uh… I received a message from my doctor that I had an unexpected elevated HcG level. I don't really remember anything after that. But I'm fine." A weak smile tugging at the corners of her mouth even though her stomach was in knots. She had said that word again, it just seemed to spill from her mouth automatically every time she was asked but she was now unsure who she was trying to convince. The doctor looked down at her quizzically.

"When did you have the test done and what kind?"

"Wednesday, it was a blood test." She was almost sheepish in her response.

"There are a number of reasons as to what would cause HcG to be detected in the blood. We can check that again now for you if you'd like. It will probably take a few hours being Friday night though. We can ring you tomorrow with the results." She looked at Henry briefly before nodding her thanks. The doctor watched the pressure gauge for a moment before deflating the band and pulling the velcro undone.

"Well it looks to have stabilized now. It may have been a stress overload which has lead to an anxiety or panic attack, from what I've seen of you in the news this last fortnight. I recommend you take it easy for a few days, and lay off the coffee. I'll just draw more blood to run but if you feel ok I'm happy to release you." He put his hands in his pockets and smiled back at her, pulling an empty vial from the coat. She thought about the blur of her last week as the band was tightened around her arm and the needle pierced her skin; The many hours staring at the ceiling of their room, the funerals of the DS agents, the lengthy days back in the office and the amount of effort she had channeled into the masquerade she wore every day. Henry stood and raised a hand after he had labeled the vial and disposed of the needle tip.

"Thank you Doctor." He shook his hand firmly and turned back to face Elizabeth, now determined to get her home and deal with these issues in the comfort of familiar surroundings. She sat uncomfortably, hesitant to meet Henry's eye as the doctor closed the door behind him. She couldn't hide in the silence anymore, especially not from him. He sighed, watching her unwillingness to look at him now his suspicions had been confirmed.

"I think it's time we had a talk babe. But I think you already know what I'm going to say."

"Henry..." Still refusing to meet his eye, she twisted the blanket in her fingers.

"Look, I know you've been through a lot and you don't want to talk about it. I know this is hard, I get it, I really do baby. It's tearing me up too, watching the grief you are going through and not being able to help or stop it or take it away because if I could, I would. You need to get it out babe, it's eating you up inside and you're not ok, I can see it. You can't ignore it. You need to take some time for yourself to decide what to do next. You think you can tough it out but you can't, you need help now before it really takes hold, it'll only get worse. So please, please just talk to me."

"I can't just stop while I think about my feelings!"

"You don't have to, we need to work through this and stop pretending it didn't happen."

"I'm not pretending!"

"You were raped Elizabeth!" She winched as his words reverberated off the walls of the small room. Lingering in the heavy silence and ringing in her ears. It was the first time he'd spoken them aloud and he hated the taste it left in his mouth. He had said it with more force than he meant to but watching her self destruct had frustrated him beyond words. The door opened again and the doctor reappeared, a clipboard in his hand. Elizabeth couldn't look at Henry as the doctor flitted into the room. She shrank down in the bed willing herself not to cry while Henry looked round at the doctor exasperated, trying to recompose himself.

"Here's the release forms for you to sign when you're ready." The doctor chirped through the tension between the couple. Henry took the clipboard without thanks and the doctor left, Elizabeth on the verge of tears again.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly, desperate to fill the ringing silence and the gaping chasm that had been growing between them.

"I know." She whispered, choking on the lump in her throat, her knuckles white as her fists clenched the sheets. He wiped a tear from her cheek that had escaped her eye.

"Let's get you home. I'll tell security you're leaving, your clothes are in the bag." She nodded at her lap with a sad smile. He closed the door carefully behind him, leaving Elizabeth in the quiet to dress, his words still ringing in her head.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9! Prepare for a long chapter! I'm a little ahead of my 'fortnightly' updates I usually aim for but never mind, I had time to write so write I did! I've been working on a little something else as well which, hopefully, shouldn't be too far off either. Anywho, this has been a long time coming but it kept getting pushed back because of long chapters. I wrote most of this in the planning phase because it just fell onto paper.
> 
> Thank you again for all the reviews! Much appreciated xx

Nadine had been slinking around on tenterhooks the rest of the afternoon. She didn't wish to talk to anyone and refused to give any of the staff the opportunity to get her alone anywhere on the seventh floor. Though there was no point hiding it, everyone even remotely close to the Secretary's office had either heard or seen the commotion and many more had witnessed her being wheeled out, unconscious, down to the awaiting ambulance outside the building. She was petrified they might ask the questions she dreaded were coming and knew she didn't have a reasonable answer for. Her only saving grace was that it had been a quiet Friday afternoon and the gaggle of cameras and reporters had been nowhere near the building as thankfully, no-one could have predicted the Secretary of State was going to have a breakdown in her office. Nadine had been so hyper aware of where everyone else was as the hours drew on and became more relaxed as the clock ticked toward 5:00 even though she knew she couldn't leave just yet. That was until she found herself in the Secretary's empty office, trying to decide what paperwork was too important that it had to be dealt with before the weekend and what could be left for the uncertainty of the following week. She would most definitely be surprised if Elizabeth turned up Monday morning. Not because she had been dragged off to hospital but because she would have to face the questions the staff were sure to ask, Daisy especially with her incessant need to know everything. Nadine silently thanked the Gods, and Elizabeth, that she found signatures on most of what she needed as she shuffled through piles of important and classified documents Elizabeth had spent hours meticulously organising and reorganising into piles.

It was eerie standing at the usually occupied desk, nearly over the spot Elizabeth had fallen only hours before. It would have felt like any other day except for the way the broken door was left open which had already been organised to be fixed. She near jumped out of her skin as knuckles hesitantly wrapped on the wooden frame and looked up over the glasses perched on her nose to find Blake, once again, standing in the doorway.

"Can I help you Blake?" Nadine asked gently. He was probably the least of her worries considering how close she knew the Secretary and her PA to be.

"I just wanted to see if you needed a hand." Although he didn't look it, Nadine knew he was still shaken after finding his boss unconscious in her office. He had been the only one to hear her cries and was beside himself to become aware of her distress. If not for the way he twisted his fingers and his vexed speech, he hid his unease well.

"Yes, can you make sure this goes down to the fifth floor and these," She handed over several folders with the Presidential stamp on the front, "go to the White House, today please." She was glad of the offer. Again, she hadn't wanted to ask for help as she didn't want to be cornered but Blake looked sincere in his offer and she appreciated it immensely. He nodded as he took the folders but didn't turn to leave immediately.

"Is the Secretary ok? I mean, besides what happened this afternoon? There's obviously something very wrong for her to have screamed like that..." He was genuinely worried and she knew it had tormented him all afternoon. Nadine couldn't help but feel sorry for him being kept in the dark with his good intentions so very apparent. She heaved a sigh.

"The truth is, I don't know. Something terrible happened to the Secretary while she was in Iran. I was only told so I could make the necessary phone calls but was asked to keep it private and confidential by both the White House and Secretary McCord herself. I'm sorry Blake, I can't tell you more than that."

"So there was something more than what we heard? More than President Dalton told the media?"

"Yes, but it's private and personal and I imagine the Secretary would like to keep it that way."

"But how can we help her if we don't know what it is?"

I don't think we can Blake. It's too far beyond our control. I've been trying to keep any eye on her, keep her days as quiet as possible. But she, evidently, isn't dealing with it well. Not that I blame her, I can't even begin to imagine what she went through…" Nadine trailed off leaving Blake's imagination to run away on him. He pictured the worst possible scenario's bordering her death and shuddered at the horrible possibilities that came to mind but she couldn't tell him, it wasn't her secret to tell. He seemed deflated to learn there was nothing he could do. It was his job to look after her needs and he felt he had failed her.

"So there's nothing we can do for her?" After a quiet moment he gathered his thoughts.

"No, I'm afraid not."

* * *

A strained silence occupied the drive home in the back of the SUV. Both Elizabeth and Henry were desperate for privacy. They needed some time alone, not even just to talk but to be alone together the way they used to enjoy. She had forgotten how much she cherished those moments when she realised they had been taken for granted. Elizabeth headed straight for the bedroom when the cars finally pulled up at the front steps. She was exhausted and had an intense need to shower, again. Henry let her go ahead of him, moving through the kitchen to find Alison and Stevie on the lounge watching tv. Both sat upright seeing their father come into view, they had been awaiting their parents arrival home for some time. They knew something had happened to their mother but not to what extent. Henry hadn't elaborated on the phone more than to calmly let Stevie know what was going on. He kissed them both on the top of their heads and sat down in front of them, finally feeling his own exhaustion drain over him as he looked between his worried daughters. He heaved a deep breath, ready to regurgitate the spiel he had perfected in the car.

"Your mom is ok, her blood pressure made her faint while she was at work. But the doctor checked her over, she's fine. She's just tired so she's gone up to bed." Henry tried to smile, in the hope it would convey a confidence he knew he was lacking but neither of them looked convinced by his efforts. Both were observant enough to notice the change in their parents behaviour. From their mothers abrupt mood swings to the lack of sleep they knew their father was getting. They had realised pretty quickly that something wasn't quite right in the week since Elizabeth had come home from Iran.

"Dad are you sure?" Stevie prompted looking at him quizzically, the least convinced of the pair. He hesitated with his answer while Alison sat quietly, exchanging worried glances between them, her fingers laced together in her lap.

"Well, no. She's still dealing with a few thing that happened in Iran but I want you both to know we're doing something about it ok? She's going to be ok." He thought back to the conversation about nearly telling Stevie and wondered again if they made the right decision. Was she capable of handling that kind of information now there was another factor thrown into the mix? If they had told her, he might be having a very different and more difficult conversation. Alison may have been 16 now also, but it would have felt like snatching their innocence from them introducing that kind of darkness into their lives. He wasn't going to tell them, not until Elizabeth was ready.

"What kind of things?" Alison asked tentatively, curious as to what had caused such an abrupt behaviour change in their mother and shift in her parents dynamic. To her it had been subtle but noticeable. Her father seemed to have an eye on her mother at all times, just out of reach but always within distance. Their casual displays of affection the children had come to witness every day had also dissipated with her sensitivity and irritability. Henry took his time and thought hard to find the right words. He knew full well she would analyse and dwell on his every word and didn't wish for them to be a burden for her to stress over.

"Your mom saw some terrible things while she was away and as a result, experienced some terrible things too. Physically she's fine but we've got some psychological issues to get through and I'm going to help her every step of the way, ok? Don't worry Noodle, I'm going to look after her."

The sisters nodded in unison, realising that was the point of no more questions. They had been offered a little more information and that was as far as they needed to know right now. Henry rose and kissed them goodnight. He gave Alison's shoulder a reassuring squeeze as he passed. He decided to check on Jason next, in front of the tv in the other room, shooting away at pixel figures on the screen. Henry gave him the same opening line he gave the girls and left it at that. Jason appeared to be less aware than his sisters to warrant further comment which had been a blessing in a way as they had all shielded him from a lot of what was going on. He left Jason in peace, reminding him he wasn't to be up all night playing his game as he left the room.

Henry retreated down the dark, silent hall to their bedroom. He crept warily along the carpet listening hard to what he was about to encounter on the other side of the door. Carefully he pushed it open to find Elizabeth already curled up with her back to him as close to the edge of the bed as possible. An onlooker might have mistakenly thought she was asleep. Her chest rose and fell in deep, steady breaths but Henry knew better. She never slept anymore. He showered automatically, his mind far away from the steamy room and quietly returned to the dark, stagnant bedroom. She hadn't moved from her position in that time. He crawled under the comforter and settling as close to her as he could on his side of the bed. He stared at the ceiling for a while, unable to experience the quiet his brain craved to induce sleep. He wasn't sure how long that was before her voice broke the silence.

"What if it's yours?" She sounded despairing and it physically hurt him to hear her utter those words with such a lack of confidence. It roused a new train of thought from the depths of his brain he hadn't even begun to discover. He pondered her words for a moment before taking a breath with the conclusion his own mind seemed to have come to.

"What if it's not?" He returned and it hung in the air uncomfortably. He was sure she was still awake, running through the same thought process he was but on a deeper, more troubling path. He was beyond exhausted and the point of functioning when his own breathing became deep and steady, falling into disturbed sleep.

* * *

Henry had rolled over to his wife's side of the bed what he realised was hours later, only to find it cold and empty. He sat up, eyes adjusting to the dark and once he realised she was no longer in their room, pushed himself off the bed and out into the hall, looking left and right for a trace of where she may have gone. No light gave a clue to her where abouts but it didn't take long before he heard the sound of pacing. He followed the sound of footsteps on the floor boards downstairs to find her walking the length of the lounge room in the dark in a near agitated state. He wondered if she'd managed to shut her eyes at all as he approached her cautiously. It wasn't until she heard a creak of the floor did she stop and look up, startled to see Henry standing there watching her through the darkness.

Another nightmare had stirred her from light sleep. This one had felt as real as the flashback in her office and she needed to shake the remnants of the dream off. She had seen Henry asleep and trying not to wake him, had padded quietly to the door and down stairs to the lounge where she paced, restlessly, trying to slow her breathing and settle her thundering heart.

"Hey, are you ok? Can I do anything?" He asked quietly, unsure what else to say, hesitantly stepping closer to where she stood. She shook her head, folding her arms over herself, shrinking in size right in front of him. It took a moment and her voice wavered, already beyond the point of console.

"I'm sorry. I've really let you down this time."

"What? No you haven't…" Shaking her head she interjected.

"Yes Henry, I have. I thought if I ignored it, it would go away and I could forget about it, but I can't. It's there, it's always there and I don't know what to do." She let the tears fall again, large and hot streaming down her cheeks.

"Ok. It's ok. We can figure this out. One problem at a time." He replied soothingly.

"There were three of them…" She almost whispered to the floor. She couldn't do it anymore, it was bubbling to the surface with the force of a volcano and even if she wanted to she couldn't stop it now. It took Henry a moment to process what she'd said and his heart sunk at the realisation.

"There were three of them and I couldn't stop them. Abdul was screaming, I wanted so badly to protect him. But I couldn't. I couldn't even protect myself."

He closed the space and took her in his arms, pulling her close, cradling her face to his shoulder. Her shaking frame felt cold and shivery at his touch in the early morning cool and she let herself fall apart.

"There were three of them..." She finally choked out, unable to control her wracking breaths. He squeezed her ever so slightly and began to rub her back.

"Fred was on top of me and I couldn't move. He was dead, pinning me down where he fell, shielding me from bullets and there was nothing I could do. All I did was scream. I didn't even realise they'd come into the room until they lifted him off me. I tried to go after the one who took Abdul but there was nothing I could do." She heaved a great breath, taking in Henry's scent as a form of comfort before she steeled herself over and continued. "They had guns and they were pointing them at me and all I could think about was you and the kids and I tried, I tried to get away. I really did... When I realised I couldn't I knew I had to at least get home to you. They had guns Henry. One of them was hot when he pressed it to my face, I keep seeing the barrels of those guns pointed at me. I didn't think I would see you again." She choked on a sob and clutched at Henry's chest, making fists in his t-shirt. He felt the tears leave his own eyes and made no attempt to stop them. He refused to move or say anything to give her have all the time she needed. As hard as it was to hear, this was what he'd been waiting for.

"I struggled, I really tried, all I could think of was you and the kids and getting home. After, when Frank managed to get back to the room, he told me they were deciding whether to take me hostage or kill me there on the spot. He shot them both dead while they stood over me, I woke up being carried back to the cars. Oh God Henry what have I done!" She wailed.

Henry tried to swallow the lump in his own throat while the tears glistened on his cheeks in the low light. His shirt was wet at the shoulder and he hadn't realised how tight his grip on her had become as her tiny frame shook with sobs.

"You stopped a war, that's what you did." His voice was rough and shaky but he didn't care. "You didn't deserve this and it wasn't fair, but it wasn't your fault and it never will be." He kissed her hair and held her firmly in place. "You were so brave babe. So brave. I'm so proud of you." He was proud of her, he meant every word. She was strong enough to survive this, he knew. She was so much stronger than she realised.

"And the nightmares. Sometimes I see you dead on the floor instead of Jovani, and Jason screaming instead of Abdul. Those are the nights I wake up screaming. I saw it happen again yesterday. In my office. I know that now but it was so real and I couldn't get away again."

"I know. Blake told me he heard you from his desk." It was after Blake and Nadine had filled in the holes as the paramedics tended to Elizabeth did Henry understand what must have happened.

"Henry, what are we going to do?" This question covered such a wide variety of specifics but he thought he knew what was most pressing, on his mind and hers.

"I dunno yet babe." He answered truthfully. "But you're alive, you made it home, you're ok. We can get through this. Let's just see what the doctor says first, then we'll decide, together."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I'm so sorry for the wait. My uni break is over so classes have resumed, starting with screenwriting and I am absolutely in love. To the point where I walked out of the first class, completely inspired by my lecturer and wanted to rewrite the entire fic. Then life as I knew it got turned upside down last week. Nothing tragic, just life changing so please bear with me while I try to figure stuff out and make some kind of order from the chaos. I realise this is a little short but there was stuff to set up in order to move forward, so here it is! Chapter 10!
> 
> Many thanks to all the reviews! I haven't given up, I know where it's going, it's just a bit of a process to get there so thanks again!

The sound of Elizabeth's uneven footfalls dashing past her bedroom door had stirred Stevie from sleep. She blinked heavy eyelids as she struggled to understand the who, what and why in those first few waking moments, but the sound of Elizabeth's heavy breathing was what made her decide to get up. She had been very worried about her mother and although she knew her father was taking care of her, she could tell he was struggling too. In the dead of night she padded across the floor and had fingers on the handle when she heard Henry follow that same path along the hall and down the stairs in pursuit. With concern for her mother as her only motive and against her better judgement, she opened the door and walked to the top of the stairs through the dark. Just out of sight on the top step, the sound of her mother upset and broken froze her on the spot as she listened to her breakdown in Henry's arms.

Stevie crept silently back to her room. Numb to the chill of the morning cool, she quietly closed her door and climbed back under the covers but she didn't think she'd be able to sleep ever again. She was still processing, still attempting to understand the exchange between her parents she had just mistakenly overheard. It was far beyond anything she could have ever imagined as terrible images began to form from her mothers chilling recount of Iran.

The knot in her stomach tightened as she stared through the dark. It didn't take much for the horrible scenarios to run rampant through her thoughts with nothing to stop them after what she'd just heard. Having watched her parents carefully all week and becoming more unsettled by the talk with her dad after he had brought Elizabeth home from hospital, she knew there was information being kept from her and her siblings. She guessed, in all fairness that it was probably for a good reason but that only unnerved her further. She shifted uncomfortably on the mattress and tried to close her eyes, desperate now to stop her imagination running away with her. Stevie had no idea how long it took to drift off again, but in that time, she didn't hear either of her parents return to their bedroom.

***

Henry awoke that morning to rays of sunlight filtered through the curtains, dancing across the room in the early morning glow. Elizabeth was laid out on top of him, her head on his chest, her body still cradled in his arms. She breathed deeply in time with the rise and fall of his own chest, he hadn't seen her that peaceful since before she left. A blanket was strewn over the pair, cocooning them both comfortably in their own warmth. He savoured the feeling of contentment her proximity brought him while he lazily stroked her hair. They had found their way to the lounge at some point and he was surprised to see she was well and truly asleep. One of his legs was completely numb under her but he didn't dare move, he would let her sleep as long as she could. He let his eyes slide shut again, being a Saturday morning, it would be a while before the rest of the McCord household roused and he was in no hurry to leave his current position. She stirred in his arms, repositioned slightly and nuzzled into his shirt. Fingers entwined with his and he opened his eyes again to see Elizabeth looking back at him. A sleepy smile graced her lips and he couldn't help return the affectionate grin with a small squeeze of her waist.

"Hi." He breathed into the cool morning air.

"Hi." She mumbled back against his chest, feeling his strong heartbeat thrum against her ear. It almost felt like normal, like nothing in their little world was wrong. But Henry could see it, deep down, the worry and torment she still held at the back of her mind and it disheartened him to wonder how long it would linger in his beautiful wife. He wanted to brush it aside, just for that moment in time. He couldn't change it and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it so tried to take his own advice from hours before.

"You actually got some sleep." Her emotional exhaustion and above all, complete trust in him had allowed that to happen. She was beginning to regain her control after opening up to Henry, even though it had taken all her strength and courage to do so. He was her light at the end of a very dark tunnel, one which she finally realised she would be able to find her way out of, with him guiding her way.

"I hope you did too." She replied with mingled guilt and concern furrowing her brow.

"Yeah a bit. The lounge isn't as comfortable at this age."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He ran his fingers over her cheek. "Except that I can't feel my leg. Can you just," She shifted up just enough for Henry to slide his leg out from under her, "There! Thank you." She giggled as his face contorted with the effort and he couldn't stop himself reaching down to give her a swift kiss. They broke apart for a second and an anticipation clouded over Henry as he watched her cautiously for a reaction to what normally wouldn't have needed a second thought. That awareness disappeared as she beamed at him and reached up to kiss him back. He kissed her slowly, carefully, letting their lips linger on each other. Elizabeth climbed up his chest to make it easier on them both. Chest to chest, he felt his own smile creep over his face, familiarity and comfort rising back through their movements. He let her chose the pace and pick the rhythm, completely aware of the progress Elizabeth had made over the last 12 hours but encouraged her nonetheless. His hands lightly running the length of her back, she pulled away moments later to look him in the eye and for a split second, he wondered if he'd done something wrong.

"I love you." It had been so long since she'd said it, even though those words were forever etched on her tongue. It took him by surprise as he mentally counted all the steps forward Elizabeth had now achieved in such a short space of time.

"I love you too." He sealed those words with another peck, squeezing her body to his. "Do you want pancakes for breakfast?" Henry hadn't seen her consume more than a mouthful of food at a time in over a week so was genuinely unsure what her answer would be. She nodded up at him, a real smile brightened her features and his heart swelled.

They pottered about the kitchen together, Henry starting breakfast and Elizabeth making coffee. They exchanged warm smiles and small touches wherever possible before they settled at the kitchen table. He tried to maintain the flow of general conversation in an attempt to keep her mind from the phone call that loomed with every passing minute. Sleep ridden and pajama clad, Alison was the first one downstairs sometime later. The sweet smell of maple sirup and strong aroma of coffee hung in the air as she padded down to the kitchen yawning. She was pleased to find both her parents sitting at the kitchen table watching the weekend morning show on the tv. Empty plates and coffee mugs in front of each, Elizabeth looked up at her daughter with an affectionate smile as she came into view.

"Good morning Noodle." Elizabeth said with a kind smile. Alison approached her mother a little warily after the events of the day before, but relaxed as she was embraced in a warm hug by the familiar arms.

"Morning. Mom, are you ok?" She asked gently, wrapping her own arms around Elizabeth's shoulders. Elizabeth pulled her down for a gentle kiss before releasing her grip and looked up into her worried daughters face.

"I'm fine baby. Really, I'm ok." She put on her bravest smile for Alison, she couldn't have her children worrying about her as well.

"You're sure?"

"Yes I'm sure. You could pour me another coffee though." She grinned back cheekily and let her arms fall from her grasp of her middle child.

"I'll get it." Piped up Henry and gave her a knowing smile. He pushed himself out of the chair and collected her mug from across the table.

The phone in the kitchen rang as Henry walked to the counter. He had snatched it up before Elizabeth had a chance to leave her seat. She stiffened immediately. Anxiety welled in the pit of her stomach and she thought she might lose her breakfast as she watched Henry's back on baited breath.

"Hello? Yes. One second." He looked round at her with the phone still pressed to his ear revealing the unease on his face and she knew without words exactly who was on the other end of the line. She had to check herself as she rose in front of Alison, who had placed herself at the table and walked to Henry on weak legs. He handed her the phone, letting it linger in his fingers before letting go.

"It's the hospital." He whispered, still trying to hide his concern from their daughter who was, thankfully already distracted by her phone. Elizabeth swallowed hard and took the phone in numb fingers. She was up the stairs in automatic retreat before she'd even realised she was moving. The bedroom door closed behind her and she took a shaky breath before speaking timidly into the receiver.

"Hello?" She sank onto the bed, not sure if she could remember how to breathe. The call was short and straight to the point. Elizabeth nodded her thanks with a wavering voice and hung up, cradling the phone in her lap.

Henry knocked a few minutes later, worried when she didn't return to the kitchen. He still looked anxious as he awaited the news but she remained silent as he approached, staring at the floor. Gingerly he sat beside her, took the phone and one of her hands in his, tangling their fingers together. She squeezed Henry's hand and held it tightly, grounding herself in the room, trying to bring the feeling back into her numb body. She was even more confused and overwhelmed than she had been before.

"So?" Henry gently nudged. She shook her head, still trying to find her words.

"Babe I'm going to need more than that, what did they say?"

"They, um... They said the level was low but it was still there." Emotions running high, she was so conflicted she didn't know what to think or feel. "What does that even mean? Did it drop? Did they have something to compare it to? I don't even know how far…" Exasperated, she took a deep rattling breath, knowing she wouldn't be able to stop herself crying if she finished that sentence. "They're going to forward the results to the doctor, I'll still need to see him on Monday."

"Ok. That's ok. We'll go first thing Monday morning." He instinctively held out his arms and she took the opportunity to fall into him, comforted by his embrace.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do need to apologise for this chapter, this was really hard to write in more ways than one! I had the entire fic planned up to this point but hit a major roadblock when it came to fleshing it out. Not to mention I went back and reread the entire fic and it's just one huge mess, so I hope this is ok.
> 
> I want to thank everyone for the kind messages and reviews. Every time I needed some motivation, I'd go back and read them so thank you all so so much!

Elizabeth McCord absentmindedly bounced her knee in the chair of the silent, empty waiting room, simply unable to sit still. She wanted to pace the length of the room but Henry's presence kept her firmly in her seat. Her nerves on a hair trigger, She was glad her security detail had stayed outside. She felt every pulse of blood run through her veins and every heartbeat thump within her rib cage. She could hear every ominous tick of the clock on the wall and every breath Henry took where he sat beside her. The same nervous energy coursed through him, trying it's best to rear it's head but he had found a way to contain it much better than Elizabeth could. He wanted to place a hand on her thigh to stop the abrasive movements while they waited but he squeezed her hand instead, trying to calm her anxiety. She looked over to give him a weak smile but really she wanted to be sick. After a long and difficult weekend, it felt like they had waited forever.

It was very early Monday morning, before her Doctor's usual opening hours. Sunrise had dawned on them with the throes of a nightmare. One of her worst yet. Henry had woken her crying and screaming, tangled in the sheets, covered in a sheen of sweat. Immediately Elizabeth pulled away from him to sit on the edge of the bed to settle herself down, trying to swallow the nausea only heightened by her anticipation. She couldn't hide the shudder while she waited for the nightmare and the ghostly hands on her skin to evaporate away. Unable to settle again, she brushed off Henry's concern and decided to begin her day by locking herself in the bathroom while she showered and dressed. She just wanted this appointment to be out of the way, she wanted it to be over. The restless uncertainty had kept her reeling all weekend and she hated it or more so, her lack of control over it.

"Mrs McCord." Elizabeth jumped as her doctor appeared from the doorway behind her, still in the process of pulling on his coat. Henry stood first, holding a hand out expecting Elizabeth to take it, but she didn't follow. Struck with fear, she could no longer feel her legs. Henry turned to face her when she hesitated only to see her eyes wide with alarm. He too was terrified but he wanted to be brave, if only for her. He took her hand with a reassuring smile and gently pulled her to her feet. Hand in hand, the pair headed for the doctor's office, both now wishing they were anywhere else.

He closed the door behind them and returned to his place behind the desk.

"I'm sorry Mrs McCord, your Human Chorionic Gonadotropin level has dissipated since we saw you last week. The results were either influenced by something other than pregnancy, which can sometimes happen due to a number of different reasons." There was a pause in his words as he looked on expectantly, eyes darted between the couple sat rigid in the chairs across the desk. "Or, conception did take place but you have since experienced a chemical pregnancy, which again, can be caused by numerous reasons." A few moments passed before she remembered to breathe again. A throb of disappointment clouded her body, followed briefly by a sense of relief. She had been so caught up with the concern of who's it was those last few days more so than if she even was. Elizabeth and Henry briefly made eye contact and she assumed he had just seen her every thought flash behind her eyes. She had to look away, unable to take his gaze as he tried to gauge her reaction. Elizabeth was confused, and judging by the way Henry was looking at her, so was he.

"And there's no way to tell which?" Looking down at her lap, the words sounded detached as she spoke, like it wasn't her talking at all.

"No there isn't, I'm afraid. I'll remove those stitches while you're here though. Is everything else ok? No pain or anything else you want me to check?"

"Uh, no, thank you."

She didn't say another word until they left. She fussed with her blouse, making sure it was tucked back in while Henry walked ahead with her bag. She wanted to grab Henry's hand but stopped herself, feeling unworthy of him yet again, trailing behind as they headed for the door. They returned to the cars in silence, agents falling into line and opening doors as they went. Settled in the back seat, Henry looked at her quizzically, unsure what to make of her demeanor. He wasn't ready to broach it just yet with Elizabeth only just holding onto the floodgates, both still trying to come to terms with the outcome and her own sea of emotions. It was then she realised she didn't know what she wanted. She couldn't understand her own feeling of disappointment on this subconscious level, like she had failed even though it wasn't a task she had set out to achieve. She didn't even know if she had actually been pregnant but she couldn't shake this overwhelming sense of loss.

They stepped back through the front door in Georgetown as the children were on the way out. It flustered Elizabeth as she tried to pull the mask back on quickly as Alison ran past, kissing her on the cheek on her way out the door. Jason followed close behind but only grumbled a goodbye as he pulled the door closed behind him. She walked to the office and placed her bag on the desk as Henry spoke.

"Do you want to talk about it?" It wasn't demanding, he just had to say something as he himself grappled with the morning's events. He didn't know what to make of her melancholy nature. After watching the anxiety it had brought her over the weekend, he thought the news would have alleviated the toll it had taken.

"So I'm not. But I might have…" Was all she could manage with the lump rising high in her throat, choking her into silence. Her back still to him, Henry watched sadly as her shoulders began to shake.

"You don't know that." He closed the space between them and pulled her close. "It's ok. Whatever happened, it's ok. There's nothing you could have done." She clutched at him, breathing deeply into his shirt, feeling ridiculous for not understanding, for not being able to control the stream of tears again. "It's ok. You're ok and that's all that matters."

"I don't even know why! I don't know how to feel!" She finally confessed to Henry while she struggled to control her sobs.

"That's ok too." He gently kissed her hair. "I love you."

"Mom?" Stevie's voice sounded small and childlike, nothing like the confident, outspoken young woman she usually was. She didn't want to admit that she was scared, but she was. She wasn't used to seeing her strong, stoic mother so broken. Elizabeth whipped around, surprised to see Stevie standing on the bottom step. She looked nervous and timid, Elizabeth quickly wiped the tears from her face but the evidence she had been crying was all too apparent.

"Stevie! I thought you'd left for work baby."

"I'm just leaving now. Are you… Are you ok?"

"Yeah baby I'm fine."

"I heard you. The other night, what you said to dad." There was a pause as they stared at each other. Elizabeth's mouth opened and closed, unable to find something to say, something to explain it away. "I heard all of it." Stevie finished as if to clarify still eying her mother apprehensively. Elizabeth's stomach dropped. She knew. Stevie was a smart kid, she wouldn't be able to talk her way out of this one. Henry stepped forward at that point, seeing his wife struggle under the pressure.

"Look Stevie…" He began, ready to throw up the barrier to protect them both, but Elizabeth's hand on his chest stopped him.

"No, Henry. It's ok, I think it's time."

***

It was Thursday before Elizabeth decided it was time to go back to work. Her anxiety levels had declined after a few days processing, talking with Henry and finally, coming clean to her eldest daughter which she realised was the hardest part of all. A kind visit from Russell the night before had sealed her decision and she was truly grateful for the small gesture on his part. She could tell Blake was worried from his texts to find out how she was but he was trying not to be a bother. After everything he witnessed in her office, he deserved an explanation, they all did. Not the entire truth, she didn't wish to burden them as well but at least something to explain what she thought must have been a frightening experience, her behaviour over that week and her absence from the office, both mentally and physically.

"Are you sure? It'll be tough, not only for you but for them." Henry questioned as they stood in the kitchen that morning. It had been one of the first nights she had slept the way through. No broken naps or vivid nightmares, a full night's rest curled up in Henry's arms. She gave him a quick smile.

"Yes I'm sure, I need to do this." She reassured, nodding as she went. He returned her smile, seeing her usual glow beginning to reappear in these moments of confidence. She kissed him goodbye and set off for the state department.

She carried her bags and coat through the empty halls, glad she had decided to come in early. There was no-one to stare and gawk as she strolled through the corridors at her own leisure. It was so quiet compared to the usual commotion of the 7th floor. She rounded the final corner and was surprised to find Blake already at his desk in the empty outer office. She broke stride for a second as they locked eyes but composed herself and kept walking, suddenly nervous about what she had to do.

Blake was surprised to see her that early in the morning with no indication at all she was returning to work that week, let alone that day.

"Good morning Blake." She chimed, giving him a warm smile.

"Good morning ma'am!" She decided to speak quickly before she lost her nerve.

"Could you come into my office please? I have something I need to tell you." Hesitantly he fell into line as she strode into her office, closing the office door behind him.

"I owe you an explanation for what happened last week. I'm sure it put you all under a great deal of stress and I want to thank you and the rest of the staff for the way you all handled it." Elizabeth had rehearsed this speech in her head over and over. She couldn't tell them everything, but in a way they needed to know something, as Nadine did.

"Really ma'am it was nothing."

"No it wasn't. Henry told me what happened, what you and Nadine did. I'm so sorry you had to see and deal with that. The truth is that I collapsed last week as the result of a panic attack. I haven't been dealing with the aftermath of Iran well but I'm ok, getting back to normal may just take some time."

"Completely understandable ma'am. I'm happy to do whatever I can to help." He wasn't sure whether to smile or not until she laughed aloud at his words.

"Good to hear, because I may need to take you up on that." A knock on the door made them both look up to see Nadine's head poked around the frame.

"I'm so sorry ma'am! I didn't realise you were already in!" Nadine staggered out.

"It's fine Nadine, come in."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how this chapter managed to be written in between an essay and my first ever script (thank god it's nearly holidays!) I'm still not sure, but here it is! A special thank you to lulubelle283 for proof reading this for me! Much appreciated!
> 
> To those of you who are still leaving reviews, comments, reblogs and following this wreck of a story, thank you! I'm beginning to wind it down, there's only a few chapters left. I have started another multi chapter for the hiatus fic exchange so I am working on something else, please bear with me!
> 
> Lastly, I just wanted to point out that is fandom is amazing, what a pleasure it is to be a part of it, truly. Much love to you all!

Elizabeth sat uncomfortably in the cavernous room, trying not to fidget in her seat. The grey material felt cold beneath her suit pants and the chill sent a visible shiver up her spine. She twisted the diamond ring around her fourth finger unconsciously as she surveyed the unfamiliar surroundings, absorbing every detail purely out of habit. She was nervous and above all, sceptical. She'd never done this before and had no idea what to expect. The idea of talking to a complete stranger about such a private matter seemed illogical and foreign but she knew she had to try, even just for Henry and the children's sake. As much as she hated to admit it, she knew she couldn't fix it on her own. Simply acknowledging and admitting she had a problem wasn't going to be enough. Not this time. Though the room was warm and cosy, she couldn't help feeling intimidated by its expanse and the empty winged chair positioned a few feet away from the lounge, angled slightly toward the large window. It looked worn and comfortable, but it's presence felt ominous as she waited for it to be filled.

"I'm so sorry to keep you waiting." A stout, older woman bustled into view and her cape flapped behind with her haste. "I'm Dr Kinsey Sherman. It's a pleasure to meet you…"

"Please, call me Elizabeth." She stood quickly and took the outstretched hand in front of her, trying to show some semblance of confidence even with her clammy palm.

"It's lovely to meet you." Dr Sherman replied in kind, placing herself gracefully into the winged chair while Elizabeth sat back on the lounge, consciously attempting to relax her rigid stature.

"Judging by your expression, this is your first time seeing a therapist." Dr Sherman surmised with a knowing but warm smile.

"That obvious huh?" Elizabeth chuckled to herself and dropped her gaze, trying not to wring her hands. Her CIA training had failed her there.

"This is a safe place Elizabeth. You and I are just going to talk, about anything you feel comfortable with. Anything you say to me with remain strictly confidential, you have nothing to worry about." Elizabeth gave her a grateful smile. The obvious assertion that the Secretary of State was in her office seemed to have been bypassed and Elizabeth was thankful that her job title and position hadn't received a mention. Something about the older woman felt comfortable and trustworthy. She knew she was good at reading people, that much she trusted within herself. She took a deep breath and the butterflies dulled in her stomach slightly.

"What made you decide now was the time to seek professional help?" Elizabeth near choked on her own breath but swallowed hard. She was usually very good at talking to people but this abrupt question threw her slightly. She knew why she was there, but forming that sentence seemed impossible to say to a complete stranger.

"Well," She began indistinctly, looking down at her hands again as she spoke. "I've been having some trouble sleeping, experiencing nightmares, and flashbacks since I arrived home from an... Unfavourable work trip a few weeks ago."

"It sounds like it must have been a frightening experience." Dr Sherman responded quietly, without an ounce of judgement in her tone.

You could say that." Elizabeth glanced up momentarily, feeling more relaxed as she spoke. "I realised I wasn't ok when I ended up in hospital. I'd passed out after having a panic attack." She twisted her ring again. A pang of guilt twitched at the corner of her mouth for everything she had put Henry through. He was only trying to help, she knew that after she finally arrived at her own conclusions, lying in that hospital bed.

"Have you had a panic attack before?"

"No. It happened with a flashback so I didn't know it was happening." She replied truthfully, having never experienced either before.

"Can you tell me about the flashback?" Dr Sherman asked kindly. Elizabeth took a deep breath and steadied herself, averting her eyes to the large window on her left. Attempting to draw on those memories without the emotions attached to them was an impossible task.

"I was back there, in the place where it happened. They appeared out of nowhere and I couldn't get away again." She had to swallow down the stinging in the back of her throat, she'd barely even started and was already feeling out of her depth, but she knew she had to do it, she knew she had to try. "It was like I was paralysed. It felt so real I was actually screaming. So I found out later." Elizabeth watched Dr Sherman's impassive posture, trying to pull anything from her, but there was nothing, no judgement, just her comforting presence.

"How often are you having these flashbacks?" Unmoving and hands neatly folded in her lap, Dr Sherman watched Elizabeth intently, equally trying to read her language.

"That was the first one. The rest usually happen in my sleep." She responded flatly.

"So you're nightmares are similar?"

"Yes."

"Are they vivid? Do you remember them?"

"Mostly, my husband, Henry has had to wake me a few times. Or I just don't sleep at all." At the mention of sleep, she began to feel the drain just talking about it was having on her. Elizabeth was already physically exhausted but mentally she began to feel it too.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I see it, every time I close my eyes. The last thing I remember, before I blacked out." She looked down at her hands again, almost ashamed to say it aloud.

"And what is it you remember?" Elizabeth squirmed in her seat. They had rounded on the underlying issue much faster than she expected and she wasn't ready. She took a moment to consider her words, releasing a shaky breath.

"His eyes." It was the first thought that surfaced and fell from her mouth. "The gun pressed to my head." She closed her eyes as the tears began to well and she remembered the warm barrel against her temple. "His hand over my mouth." She recalled being suffocated with uncomfortable ease and had to open her eyes again to stop the manifestation. "That feeling of complete terror and helplessness." Elizabeth bit her lip to choke down the sob she could feel coming as the heat creep up from under her collar and it all felt a little overwhelming. "I woke up what I assumed was a while later, being carried to safety. I could have stopped it, I should have stopped it."

"Why do you think you could have stopped it?" If Elizabeth hadn't been trained to see it, she probably wouldn't have noticed the very subtle softening of the therapist's eyes.

"It was my fault." She blurted out. "In that moment I froze. That's never happened before. I was never a field agent but I should have been able to protect myself." Tears spilled from the corner of Elizabeth's eyes and she couldn't stop them. "I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I was told not to go, they were my…" She choked back those words, her relationship with Juliet and Andrew was still confidential. "People died because of me." She finished quietly, sniffling and wiping her face. The guilt of her own selfishness had returned even though she was sure it had never really left. Dr Sherman watched her quietly, not speaking or moving, Elizabeth could tell she was being read. She tried to recompose herself, breathing deeply and wiping her face again, sure her mascara had smudged.

"Everything you have just told me is a completely normal part of processing after a traumatic event. I'm sure by now you've realised there is a name for what you're experiencing and it is a lot more common than you think. It is also very important for you to understand that no matter what you think you could have done or the part you think you played, none of it was your fault." Elizabeth nodded into her lap and Dr Sherman dropped her gaze to try to regain her eye contact.

"Tell me about your family." Elizabeth looked up in surprise and felt the atmosphere of the room immediately lighten around her.

Elizabeth felt drained when she arrived home later in the evening. Between the State Department, the White House and her first appointment with Dr Sherman, she had definitely reached her physical and mental capacity for the day. Henry and the three children were already home when she walked through the door, dropping her bags on her desk, the sound of their laughter carried her through to find them mid debate around the kitchen bench. Henry greeted her with a warm smile and peck as she appeared in the doorway, the smell of meat in the oven wafted overhead and their laughter echoed through the house.

"Hey, how was your day?" Henry asked quietly. She took one look around the kitchen and absorbed her lively family.

"I'll tell you later." Elizabeth replied with another kiss. She briefly made eye contact with Stevie and gave her a reassuring smile. Elizabeth crossed the kitchen to her eldest and planted a kiss on her forehead.

The McCord's had dinner around the dining table. One of those rare moments when everyone was home. They seemed to be few and far between these days with everyone busy leading their own lives. Elizabeth sat back and watched the conversation ensue, simply enjoying the time with her family while Henry watched his weary wife listen to the banter. Once the table was cleared and everyone dispersed, he gave her a gentle nudge to send her upstairs and she gratefully complied.

They reached the quiet of the master bedroom in comfortable silence. Henry closed the doors behind them and Elizabeth snaked her arms around her husband's waist, melting into his embrace, soaking in his body warmth.

"Big day huh?" Henry spoke into her hair.

"Just a bit." Elizabeth sighed, squeezing Henry just a little.

"So you saw the therapist today?"

"Yeah."

"How was it?"

"Draining. But the hour flew by. I've got another appointment next week."

"Good, that's good babe. What's he like?" Elizabeth untangled her arms and stepped away fatigued. She collected her pyjamas from the dresser and made toward the bathroom.

"SHE seems lovely. She threw me a little to start but she made me feel comfortable." She closed the bathroom door but not completely before continuing. "So much so I said a little more than I wanted to but it just sort of, slipped out."

"Good therapists have a way of doing that." Henry replied in the direction of the bathroom, beginning to undress himself.

"I wouldn't know, I've never seen one before." The door opened and Elizabeth re-emerged ready for bed, depositing her clothes in the laundry basket. Henry gave her a smile, reaching out to rub her arm as he passed her in the wardrobe.

"That's ok, you'll get used to it." Placing his own clothes into the basket. Elizabeth sat at her dressing table and removed her jewellery, waiting for Henry to return to the bedroom.

"Will I?" It was an honest question that fell from her lips, surfacing from the deep recess of her truest thoughts. It sounded more desperate than she had meant and Henry recognised the self doubt. He walked back to the bedroom and sat on the bed, Elizabeth moving from her place to join him on the other side. She placed a hand near the centre and Henry took it without a second thought.

"Yeah, you will babe." He had realised they were no longer talking about the therapist.

Elizabeth had a yearning to be close to Henry tonight. She wanted his comfort and reassurance. They slipped under the blankets habitually, each settling on their own sides of the bed, as they had done for the last few weeks. As the minutes drew on in silence, Elizabeth couldn't resist the urge any longer. She shifted herself over, little by little and settled herself against Henry's shoulder. Henry lay still for a moment sleepily before he opened his arms to her incessant nuzzling. She nearly crawled on top of him, settling herself across his torso and wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Are you ok?" Mild concern coloured the question as he hugged her to him.

"I am now." She breathed deeply, capturing Henry's scent and appreciating the comfort he gave her, let her eyes slide shut. Henry's fingers found her hair and began to lazily stroke, immediately drawing away her thoughts, relaxing her enough to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back! No I haven't forgotten this fic, I was flat out with work and uni. But I go on holidays next week so I've blocked out the whole two weeks to just writing - I can't wait!
> 
> Thank you for all the reviews, they really do keep my writing. You have no idea how much I appreciate them so thank you, thank you, thank you!
> 
> This is a long one, it's been in development for a while (before the scene in the show I swear on my life lol!), hope you enjoy! xx

"The nightmares haven't been that bad this week." Elizabeth assured her therapist. "Well, I haven't woken Henry by screaming, so…" She trailed off, trying to seem like she was making progress, not even sure she was convincing herself. She was in Dr Sherman's office again for her second appointment, a lot more relaxed now she had a grip on what to say.

"But you're still having them. Are they different or recurring?" Dr Sherman enquired casually.

"They were different. The worst one I was lying on my stomach and I couldn't breathe. I could feel the weight of one of my security detail lying on my back after he was shot. But this time he didn't die immediately. He was mumbling incoherently into my ear and I thought I could feel blood pooling on my back. But then I woke up and it was just my scar throbbing." Elizabeth took a deep breath, steadying herself trying to shift the memory. "The other… Well, it wasn't a dream, exactly."

"Tell me about it." Dr Sherman encouraged, watching Elizabeth intently.

"Well, I woke up one night in the early hours to find Henry's leg across mine. And his arm across my chest." She paused, remembering how much it pained her to feel such panic caused by something so simple. She looked down at her wedding band, gripping it tightly between her fingers. "I probably would have been ok if it wasn't for his bare knee touching the inside of my thigh..." She was embarrassed and upset with herself. "I may have panicked just a little." She finished, still unable to meet the therapists eye.

"What did you do?" Dr Sherman asked sympathetically.

"I scrambled out of bed, blaming a nightmare for my panic when Henry woke so he wouldn't know it was him." She didn't want Henry to feel the hurt she had felt herself. It felt stupid, it should have been a non issue. He was her husband, he had touched every inch of her body and she trusted him with every fibre of her being. But he had unknowingly set her off, something he didn't even know he had done and she hated herself for the way her body reacted to something so simple without rational reason.

Dr Sherman sat quietly, watching Elizabeth recompose herself after the internal punishment she was inflicting on her mind and body.

"I want you to try something for me. This week I'm giving you homework."

Elizabeth was determined to complete her homework from Dr Sherman. It seemed so simple, so uncomplicated but it took her the rest of the week to work up the courage to even attempt it. Friday night rolled around after a long week and she knew she had to do it. She had disappointed herself but she would not let Dr Sherman down. She was exhausted after the week she had, but it seemed the perfect time to relax and attempt to take a step forward for her own sake.

Elizabeth arrived home from work in the dark that evening to find the children out and Henry asleep on the lounge, glasses askew and a book open on his chest. With a light kiss to his forehead, she moved upstairs, her stomach tying itself in knots as she moved toward the bedroom. She removed her jewellry at the dresser and kicked off her heels in the wardrobe before making her way to the bathroom. She stepped onto the cold tiles and closed the door behind her. She knew it was now or never.

She placed the plug in the drain and turned the faucets on over the bathtub, watching the water span across the porcelain. After sprinkling bath salts and bubbles, she watched the foam form and water level rise as nervous fingers unbuttoned her blouse and pants. They fell to the floor in a pile and she stepped out of them. Unclasping her bra, the straps slipped down her arms and joined the heap. She pinned her hair up before removing her underwear and at that point, caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. She couldn't help but analyse and critique every flaw she could see. She didn't like what she saw but, taking Dr Sherman's advice on board, tried not to be disheartened. She tried to let that feeling of loathing disappear and morph into other thoughts.

She stood front-on to the vanity, inspecting herself in the mirror, determined to do as Dr Sherman asked and find one thing about herself she liked. Her hair looked dull and her dark circles seemed terribly obvious in the bathrooms light. She looked and felt her age staring back at herself, the wrinkles she never worried about now seemed highlighted around her eyes and jaw. After minutes of careful appraisal, she decided on her eyes as a body part she couldn't fault. The rich blue of her mother's eyes she had gained had always been something she cherished. Her only hope was that one day, she might be happy with all of herself again, though she wasn't sure when that would be.

Part two of her homework was nearly ready and she checked the water before turning off the taps. She took a deep breath and stepped into the bath. She slid down into the warmth of the water slowly, feeling the fine hairs on her body respond as it tickled every inch of her skin sinking into the bubbles. Submerged to her neck, she closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on the physical sensations the heat brought with it. It was almost like a visceral effect, the way it encapsulated her completely. Stretching her legs out in front of her, she felt the water rush past her calfs and thighs, only then allowing it to absorb her completely.

Henry was half asleep as he trudged up to the bedroom. He was reading an email from a colleague on his phone, completely distracted as he walked automatically to the bathroom to ready himself for bed. He didn't think twice as he pushed the ensuite door open. He didn't look up until he had stepped onto the tiles, only to lock eyes with Elizabeth, completely submerged in the bathtub. He hadn't heard her come in where he slept on the lounge with the tv on. It took a second to dawn on him, seeing her eyes grow wide and he scurried backward into the wardrobe, pulling the door closed, muttering apologies as he went.

"Henry!" Elizabeth startled, sitting bolt upright in the bath making the water lap the edges. "Wait! Please!" She called after him, pleading for him to come back. She hadn't meant to look alarmed; she had been half asleep, deep within her own thoughts and he startled her awake when the door swung open unexpectedly.

He shook himself for intruding on her like that. He was too preoccupied with his phone to notice her shoes on the floor and the bathroom door closed. It was careless, but Henry poked his head back around the door in response to her calls.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in here." He apologised again, kicking himself for not thinking.

"It's ok, you just surprised me. Please come in." Elizabeth gave him a nervous but hopeful smile over the rim of the bathtub, sinking back into her previous position, resting against the porcelain wall. She felt foolish for having to say it. It was their ensuite after all, but she knew he needed the invitation to stay. She was completely aware that bubbles still floated on most of the bath's surface, hiding much of her body beneath the water but the vulnerability it opened her up to left her slightly anxious; this wasn't part of the homework. "It's ok. Really! I'm fine. Promise." She reassured, smiling wider, taking note of his hesitation.

Henry considered her words before he returned her smile and re-entered the ensuite, moving to the vanity to brush and floss over the basin. He kept his eyes averted from her in the mirror's reflection, allowing her that small space of privacy in the shared proximity. He rinsed and dried his mouth with every intention of leaving her in peace but as he turned to leave she blurted out.

"Please stay." Elizabeth pleaded. A tingle of nerves lingered on the edge of her words while she tried to remain relaxed, though her stomach was tying itself in knots. She knew it was completely irrational, he was her husband of 25 years but the overwhelming urge to be near him now was stronger than any panic it brought her. It had dawned on her days before that it was him she missed. His casual affection, his touches, how his hands on her made her feel. The random kisses, his all consuming hugs, the way he pulled her waist into him. She realised she missed their intimacy more than anything, and she was determined to take it back.

Henry wasn't sure what to do or say. He hadn't seen her naked since the afternoon she arrived home and out of courtesy had respected her wishes, leaving the bathroom to her in the mornings and evenings when they would usually have used it together. She raised a hand out of the water and reached out to him, palm open in encouragement, water dripping from her slender fingers onto the floor. Henry placed his fingers over hers and she grasped his hand, pulling him back toward the tub. He perched himself on the edge, watching the tension appear through her furrowed brow.

"You don't have to do this you know. It's ok if you need more time." And he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"No, I want to." She smiled back with more confidence and tried to lighten her tone. "Besides, it's nothing you haven't seen before." She watched him sheepishly, trying to brush off her own self consciousness. "Could you wash my back? I've had trouble reaching..." She asked quickly, before either of them changed their mind. In truth she had found some difficulty. Her ribs still hurt too much to properly reach around and it was something she had always enjoyed Henry doing for her.

Elizabeth sat up and leant forward, revealing her back rising out of the water in front of Henry. She was thinner than he remembered. Gauntly skin stretched over each rib, her waist much too thin. Faint discolouration was all that was left of the large bruise that had covered most of her ribs and back, the cuts and scrapes across her shoulder blades were merely marks still to fade. But the large cut that had required stitches was taking it's time to heal and Henry knew the mark would stay on her skin, marring her back for some time still, if not forever.

"It feels strange. The scar." Elizabeth confessed quietly. "Some days it hurts too, just for no reason." The glimmer of honesty brought Henry from his thoughts when he realised she knew what he was staring at.

She couldn't pretend it didn't bother her a little. She had spent hours frowning in the mirror watching it's slow progress. She normally wouldn't have minded that her skin wasn't perfect or that she had a lasting mark. Most scars held memories from the moments that caused them, but the trauma was still so fresh and the damage ran deep below the surface, leaving lasting effects that continued to ripple outwards. It wasn't something she wanted to be reminded of, nor something she wished for Henry to remember every time he saw her either.

Henry shook himself and picked up the sponge, beginning to create a lather with the soap.

"Remind me to rub some cream into it when you get out." He replied, just wanting to do anything he could for her.

He started gently, over her shoulder blades and arms, quite content watching the soap run over her back as he worked in circular motions. He was being so delicate and sensitive over her soft skin, consumed by the importance of his task.

"Is this ok?" He queried after a minute. There was a pause in her response and he wondered if she had heard him at all.

"You aren't going to break me you know." She replied quietly.

"I know." Henry said too quickly. "I just don't want to hurt you." He confessed, genuinely worried.

"You aren't. You couldn't…" She admitted, knowing he was the last person on the planet who would do so intentionally. Silence fell between them while Henry continued with his task, washing away the stress of her week.

"Is that better?" He finally asked, sure he had done a good job. The bubbles were nearly gone but he kept his eyes on her back.

"Yes. Thank you. Could you grab my towel please?" Elizabeth asked timidly. Henry rinsed his hands in the water and turned to pull the clean, folded towel from the bench. Standing, he let it fall open and held it up in front of him. Elizabeth kept her eyes on the towel as she rose out of the water, wrapping it around her front before she'd even stepped out of the bath.

"Thank you." Elizabeth smiled back at him with gratitude.

"It's fine babe. Let me rub some cream into your back." She nodded in appreciation, hugging the towel to herself. "Go and lie down, I'll just get the cream out of the cupboard."

Elizabeth looked at him hesitantly but the warmth in his smile calmed her nerves. She walked through to the bedroom, trying to dry herself as she went. Reaching the bed, she knelt on the edge of the mattress and let the towel fall to her hips before lying on her stomach across the bed, waiting for Henry to follow.

He crawled up beside her, watching her intently, making sure she was comfortable with him being there and sitting so close. He rubbed the cream between his hands to warm the cool substance then lightly, gently placed fingertips over the scar. The muscles in her back contracted and tensed and he immediately froze.

"Are you ok?" Henry asked nervously.

"Yep. Keep going." She reassured, closing her eyes and nodding, determined to allow him to touch her.

He began to massage away the tension she didn't even realise she was holding. Light fingertips glided over soft, warm skin, stopping to caress every scar printed on her back. There was something about him that had a way of healing her, as if by divine right, like everything he touched was made better in some way. Slowly she relaxed as his hands worked over the muscles, making his way up to knead her shoulders and neck.

She was on the verge of sleep when he stopped and she roused when his weight shifted away from her, almost disappointed he was leaving her side.

"Henry." She mumbled, rolling over to sit up, pulling a blanket with her to cover her chest. It almost felt silly but she needed it, the urge to cover herself too strong.

"I thought you were asleep." He quickly admitted.

"Not quite." She replied quietly.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah." She smiled at him wearily. She knew he was only concerned but she was sick of being asked the question.

"I'll get some pyjamas for you." He returned from the wardrobe after a moment of searching through drawers, carrying underwear and a set of flannelettes.

"Can you get one of your t-shirts, please?" Her eyes pleaded with him as she caught sight of what he was carrying. A warm smile crept across his face and he couldn't resist her request. He turned back and grabbed one of his own clean, black t-shirts from the cupboard and returned to the bed, handing her the clothing. He looked away as she slipped into the comfort of his shirt and her pants, discarding the towel over the chair. She settled into her side of the bed facing him, pulling the sheets up to her chest. Henry flicked off the lights and joined her a moment later, where she curled up in his embrace.

"I love you." She mumbled into his chest sleepily. He kissed her lightly, letting his lips linger on hers before replying.

"Love you too babe."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes this should have been up a few days ago but I ended up writing the chapter after this first and them realised this needed to be before that. I'm winding down, only two or three chapters to go.
> 
> Thanks to lulubelle283 for beta'ing again for me!
> 
> A special thank you to all the reviews left for me, especially the repeat reviewers. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them!

Weeks flew past in the blink of an eye. Elizabeth’s days grew full again and after a few more appointments with Dr Sherman, she slowly fell back into her rhythm. She was by no means recovered or cured; she was beginning to realise she’d never be the same again, but she was processing and adjusting, and finding her routine had helped a great deal. Long days at the State Department soon extended to nights at the office once again. It was a relief to not need to hide her doctors appointments from her staff. If the day got too much or she was too tired, they would rearrange her schedule and no-one asked any questions. Elizabeth could tell her staff were still watching her cautiously but less and less so. The dynamic was shifting back to normal, back to the way it was before and she was happier for it. 

Blake always made sure she ate at meal times and sent her home early when he could tell she had done enough. She didn’t enjoy how much he fussed but she couldn’t help feeling fond of him for doing so. She hadn’t had another episode with Henry, but she was yet to tell him about it either. She knew the pain it would cause him and she didn’t wish to place that on him, especially when he hadn’t even realised what he had done.

Elizabeth also made time for her family, Alison in particular she felt she had unintentionally distanced herself from. Alison was a bright girl, she had seen everything. From her mother’s odd behaviour to frequent doctor’s visits. Elizabeth thought Alison had even heard her crying once but when she didn’t mention it, Elizabeth brushed it aside.

Alison was watching tv by herself one night when Elizabeth walked past the lounge room and the dress on the screen made her stop in her tracks. Alison had noticed the footfalls halt behind her and turned around to find Elizabeth staring at the model adorning the gown.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Alison gushed, turning back around to see the model pose and walk back up the runway.

“It sure is.” Elizabeth loved the dress as she watched it disappear behind the partition. The next model appeared in a different dress and she fell in love with that one too. She decided to join Alison on the lounge at that point, tucking her legs up under her. “I love that one too.” Elizabeth pointed out and Alison nearly laughed.

“At least you have good taste, this is Andrew Gn.”

“Oh is it? I wouldn’t have known.” She replied vaguely, admiring the colour and sleek fit.

“That’s ok, because I do.” Alison beamed up at her mother and Elizabeth then turned her attention to her daughter.

“How’s school Noodle?” She asked casually. Truth be told, she didn’t know and she hated that her middle child had slipped under the radar, even with the events of the last few weeks.

“It’s fine. Still a little weird that Jason isn’t there anymore but it’s ok.” Alison answered nonchalantly and Elizabeth narrowed her eyes.

“No-one’s giving you a hard time are they?” She inquired, watching Alison intently.

“No mom, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.” Alison replied with a smile.

“That’s good baby, I’m glad.” And Elizabeth reached out to stroke her hair. Silence fell between them as they watched the next designer collection hit the runway. “I don’t like these as much as the last ones…” Elizabeth admitted, almost pinching her face at the amount of odd colours and shapes. “And what’s on her head? How would you wear that?” She pointed out, a little confused, wondering how or if anyone would actually wear the bright yellow half scarf, half hat that looked like a scrunched up flower, out in public. Elizabeth’s genuine look of confusion actually made Alison laugh.

“That’s Issey Miyake, you’re not suppose to actually wear it.” Elizabeth couldn’t contain her own giggles as she watched Alison laugh at her own expense. She could admit she knew nothing about fashion or designers so didn’t mind her daughter poking a bit of fun at her lack of knowledge on the subject, whilst also admiring her daughter’s obvious thorough understanding. Elizabeth extended her arm around Alison’s shoulder and she cuddled up against her chest immediately. Comfortable silence fell again as the fashion show continued.

“Hey mom? Are you ok?” Alison asked timidly. This seemed to catch Elizabeth a little off guard but she recovered quickly and answered with confidence, giving her arm a reassuring rub.

“Yeah baby, yeah I am.”

“We haven’t really had a chance to talk since you got home and everything’s been a little, strange lately.”

“I know baby, but everything’s fine Noodle. I’ve been having a bit of a hard time since I got back, but I’m ok. Promise.” And she sealed her words with a kiss to Alison’s hair. 

Alison remembered what Henry had told them when he’d brought her home from hospital. She remembered every word he said. She sat up to look her mother in the eye with those words lingering at the back of her mind.

“I know something happened to you, dad told us it was terrible. Stevie said she knows, but she wouldn’t tell me what.” She began, appearing a little hesitant at first. She didn’t want to pry, but she’d spent too much time thinking about it since. There was a slight pause and Elizabeth understood where this was going. 

“Why did you tell her and not me?” Alison questioned, now sounding a little crestfallen. Elizabeth sighed. She knew she would have to tell her middle child eventually, she just wasn’t expecting it to be now. She may have been 16, but that didn’t necessarily mean she was ready. 

“It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you Noodle, it’s just…” Elizabeth trailed off. She took a deep breath and gathered her thoughts as she decided exactly what to say. “Something terrible did happen to me when I was in Iran and I didn’t want it to have an impact on you too. Something I hope you never have to experience. Stevie overheard your dad and I talking about it. It’s not the way I wanted her to find out but she’s that little bit older and I did have to talk to her about it. I just wasn’t ready to do the same for you.”

“You can tell me mom. You won’t scare me.” Elizabeth had forgotten just how much her children had grown up. She wanted them to stay small and innocent and be able to protect them from the world forever. But she was realising she couldn’t and that was the hardest pill of all to swallow. Stevie was an adult, Alison would be off to college sooner than she realised and Jason had been expelled from school. 

“Ok...” Elizabeth began, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “You know I was in Iran when the coup began. I was in the home of the Foreign Minister when the first explosion went off. Fred died protecting me and Minister Javani was also killed. I was injured and disoriented when rebel forces came into the room. I don’t know what they had planned or why they came, but… They came for me and I couldn’t protect myself. I don’t remember everything that happened after that but when I woke up I wasn’t in a good way. I want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you. You, Stevie, Jason and your dad got me home from that horrible situation. I never stopped thinking about getting home to you. It’s been hard, but your dad has helped me a lot. I don’t know what I would've done without you all.”

Alison simply stared back, taking in Elizabeth’s words and she felt the need to reinforce her point.

“I’m ok Noodle. I want you to know I’m ok. It’s been a process, but I’m getting there. I love you.” Elizabeth concluded and pulled Alison into another hug.

“Love you too.” Alison mumbled into Elizabeth’s chest. 

 

Henry had thought he was the last one downstairs and proceeded to move around the house and turn the lights off before retiring for the night. Making his way to the lounge room, the sight of Alison asleep in Elizabeth’s arms brought a smile to his face. He took in the image of the pair sound asleep. He watched them for a while, cherishing them both in their state of complete peace. He didn’t want to disturb them but new he had to. With a gentle rub to Elizabeth’s arm, he woke them both to send them off to bed.

That had been a hard conversation for Elizabeth to have with Alison, but she was glad she had taken that time to talk to her. The phone call to Will later in the week had been worse. He was her brother and had been her only family for so long, it didn’t feel right to keep it from him. So she decided it was time to tell him everything. From the explosion and gunfire, assault, exfiltration and her wounds. From the doctors appointments, the panic attacks, nightmares and pregnancy scare. He sat quietly and listened to it all. When Elizabeth stopped speaking, his end of the line remained silent and for a minute, she thought he had hung up. But he was still there, processing, taking it all in like everyone else she had told. It had been a long phone call and Will had listened to every word. She then rambled on about how she hadn’t been ready to tell him and then how well her doctors visits and sessions with Dr Sherman had been of late, and assured him everything was ok. That she was ok. 

Though he didn’t say it, she could hear the anger in his voice. It bubbled inside him like it had for Henry that he wasn’t able to protect her. Some of that anger was directed at her for the situation she put herself in and the risk she had knowingly taken. But that rage died down and Elizabeth took the opportunity to ask about Annie and Sophie and when they were all coming to visit. They finished on a good note and both said their goodbyes, another weight lifted off Elizabeth’s chest. 

Henry had been listening to the exchange from the next room. He knew how important that call had been because of how reluctant she had been to make it. Elizabeth had spoken to will just after she got home but only so much as to let him know she was ok. Hearing it all spelled out like that again made him realise just how much she had been through, how much they had been through. He couldn’t help but admire Elizabeth’s courage and bravery. She was faced with such adversity and despite it all, had still come out on top. All of which had been achieved under the public eye. Even though she had struggled at times, she hadn’t let any of of the hardship hold her down or the suffering consume her completely. Her resilience in spite of the tribulation was remarkable and Henry adored her now more than ever.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, I'm terrible... I really didn't mean to leave this update so long but I wanted to finish the story before I posted this. Turns out, it's not quite finished; there's one chapter and an epilogue left, but at least they're mapped out. That, and I've spent a lot of time on my other multi-chapter fic, The Hour, so I'm sorry!
> 
> Thank you again for the reviews! And a big thank you to thepuppiesinpink for your help with this chapter - I really needed it!

Elizabeth wasn't sure she was glad to be back in the full swing of things on days like this. It was 7:30pm and she still sat at her desk in the State Department, finishing off some paperwork she had let get away from her. She didn't much like the paperwork, but it was inevitable. The long pages of reading reports and proposals, most of which she didn't mind, but still insisted some of it was simply a waste of paper. She was nearly finished the pile she had allocated for the day, and only had a handful left before she departed for the night when Blake knocked on her door.

"Excuse me, ma'am. I have a video call waiting for you from the new Iranian Foreign Minister, Afeni Rahimi," Elizabeth quirked an eyebrow at Blake's announcement. It was definitely unexpected. She had heard a new Foreign Minister had been appointed and she was due to meet him at the signing of the peace treaty the following month. That also meant she would come face to face with President Shiraz again as well, whom she hadn't laid eyes on since their meeting in the bunker during the coup. "I assume he's called to introduce himself, but I couldn't say for sure, ma'am." Blake concluded after her look of confusion.

"It's fine, let's see what he wants." Elizabeth stacked the papers she had been working on and set them aside to finish later, accepting the video call at her desk.

* * *

Elizabeth couldn't say what is was, but she felt unsettled from the moment she left the office. Minister Rahimi had indeed, called to introduce himself and talk over a few details of the treaty signing. It seemed reasonable, considering he wasn't in office when the deal was drawn up and had been handed the portfolio after the process was complete. He apologised for the lateness of his call but Elizabeth brushed it aside, considering she was still at work anyway.

As Elizabeth got out of the car in Georgetown, she decided it wasn't quite a feeling of sickness, but she didn't feel quite right either. Walking through the front door late that evening, she just couldn't place it. She came to the conclusion that she must have been coming down with something. It seemed unsurprising, considering the amount of stress put on her body of late and she made a mental note to put flu tablets in her handbag in the morning.

Henry looked up from his desk as the front door opened and closed. Marked and unmarked papers were stacked on either side of him. "Hey," He greeted her from where he sat with a smile.

"Hi." She replied quietly as she walked to him, taking his hand and leaning down for a kiss.

"Have you had something to eat? There's a plate in the fridge," And Henry pointed over his shoulder in the direction of the kitchen.

"Yes, Blake brought something in, but I'm feeling a little under the weather. I must be coming down with something." She sounded exhausted.

"Go on up to bed. I'll just finish this and I'll be up in a minute." He kissed her hand and gave it a squeeze. She couldn't help the smile that automatically crept over her face and she kissed him again on her way past.

The feeling didn't dissipate while Elizabeth showered and readied herself for bed. She fussed about the bathroom before heading through to the bedroom, just unable to settle. Huddled under the covers she just felt fidgety where she lay. She couldn't quite get comfortable and was beginning to get frustrated by how tired she was, but that sleep continued to evaded her. Henry appeared in the doorway a few minutes later where he joined her, settling on his side facing her, pulling the blankets up over them both. She shifted over and snuggled into his arms as they held her gently, hoping it would ease her disquiet. It did a little as their breathing fell into sync pressed against Henry's crest, and she eventually slipped in restless sleep.

* * *

Elizabeth gasped hard and threw herself upright as she awoke with a start. Panic strangled her chest and throat, and she immediately began to tremble. Her movement had been so sudden, it woke Henry as she scooted across the bed and out from under the constricting blankets. Her hands clutched at the sheets, trying desperately to anchor herself to the bed. It had happened again.

"Babe? Are you ok?" Henry asked, confused in his sleep ridden state, but concern evident in his voice.

Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bed shaky and disoriented, panic threatening to swallow her whole. Henry reached out to rub her back and she immediately pulled away.

"Don't!" She pleaded, raising a hand in between them, her voice quivering as she spoke. "Just, don't. Please." Breathing hard, she still felt adrift and was fighting the urge to run and be sick. This nightmare had left her skin crawling and she couldn't stand it. She hadn't had one in two weeks, but this one was too much.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Henry still sounded bewildered, but was coming to very quickly as he took in his wife's state of distress.

"Nothing! It was nothing. Just a nightmare, this time." She bit through the tension radiating from her and tried to swallow down the feeling of nausea. Her body shook with her words as the feelings and visions seeped away slowly from every inch of her body. She hated how real they felt. She loathed that they went beyond the realm of just a terrible dream and threw her completely back into that time and place she would rather forget. Just as she thought she was getting somewhere, it would happen again. It frustrated her to no end to lose control of her own body again and again, as if the first time wasn't terrible enough to endure. It made her angry and she couldn't curb the resentment that swelled in her chest.

A few seconds of thick silence passed between them and Elizabeth tried hard to control her breathing.

"This time? What's that suppose to mean?" Henry questioned, still confused. Awareness now coming back to him, he sat up and looked questioningly in her direction. She hadn't meant to say those last two words, but they had escaped her as she tried to reel her mind and body back and now, those words as well.

"Nothing!" She spat out hastily, still trying not to vomit and tamp down the constriction rising up her chest. But she'd made a mistake, she said too much. She knew Henry wouldn't let those words go unanswered for.

"It's obviously something!" Henry retorted, now knowing he needed an answer. Those words immediately bothered him. ' _This time_ ' had been significant, otherwise Elizabeth wouldn't have said it.

"Just, drop it, ok!" Heart racing and nausea rising, she finally gave in and launched off the bed toward the bathroom. But Henry was three steps behind her in pursuit, determined to get an answer. She rested over the basin, eyes closed, still trying to settle her stomach and wriggle free from the clutches of a full blown panic attack.

"Babe, tell me what's wrong." Henry probed, genuinely worried about more than her current state.

"I had a nightmare." Slightly rocking on the spot, she answered automatically, too quickly to satisfy his real question.

"It was more than that. Babe, you can tell me. Just, talk to me, ok?"

"No, I can't. I shouldn't have said it…"

"But you did, and I want to know why." The wave of nausea rose and animosity swelled. It was like a rubber band of grievances had stretched to it's limit in her chest and she snapped.

"It was you, alright! It was you the other night, lying across me! You touched my leg and I had a freak out I couldn't stop," Jaw clenched and chest heaving, Elizabeth whirled to face him. She inhaled sharply and dropped her shoulders, deflating at the sight of him. It was like watching the light leave his eyes; as if he'd been physically punched in the stomach as he absorbed the impact of her words. The anguish that spread over his features made her forget everything and it all seemed to evaporate away, only to be replaced by guilt and grief at the hurt she had just caused someone she loved so deeply. Upset with herself and wanting to explain, she continued quietly. "I knew it was you. Rationally, I knew it was you, but I thought it was one of them..." It has hard enough to stomach as it was, and she still hadn't found the courage to break it to him gently. The ringing silence hung in the air between them and she hated that it had burst from her like that.

Henry's shoulders dropped and his jaw went slack as he stared back, stunned and dejected.

"Did that happen just now?" He sounded devastated and it broke her heart.

"No… I don't know! I wasn't sure whether it was you, or one of them…" There was a long pause. The urge to vomit finally relented and she inhaled a few deep breaths in relief, but the hurt she had caused Henry wouldn't let her body release its tension.

"Why… Why didn't you tell me?" Henry asked quietly, leaning against the door frame.

"Because… I don't know... It wasn't your fault, you didn't mean it. I didn't want you to be upset."

He stared at her, jaw slack, unable to respond.

"Henry I'm sorry, this is why I didn't want to tell you." Elizabeth walked back to Henry slowly and took his hand in hers, entwining their fingers, squeezing them tightly.

"I'm trying to get past this Henry, I'm really trying. You've been so good to me and I know I couldn't have got through this without you. I wanted to die, Henry… I felt like a part of me already had, but you… You make everything better. You make me better. I didn't want you to think you were part of the problem, when you've been so much part of the solution. So please, please just keep doing what you're doing. I'm figuring it out, just, one step at a time." She squeezed his hand again as confirmation she meant every word, desperate to make him believe her.

"Come on, I want to try something." Elizabeth added quietly. It was more homework from Dr Sherman, or a version thereof. She had been putting off completing it, but now it seemed that Henry needed it more than she did. She gave him a sweet smile that held no fear or trepidation now the nightmare had passed. Buoyed by her confidence, he smiled in return, silently letting her lead him back to their room. She turned to face him and placed her palms flush to his chest.

"I want you to touch me." Henry looked back at her, confused by the request.

"But you just…"

"Henry, please… Just, don't make me ask twice." She interrupted.

"But…"

"But nothing, I'll tell you if I'm not alright. I need you to do this for me. For us. Please…"

He needed her encouragement and she was only willing to give it. She craned her neck, her lips reaching for his and they brushed lightly against one another, Elizabeth leading the charge. They kissed lightly, slowly, letting everything linger between them and they both relaxed into their usual rhythm.

Her hands found the hem of his shirt and slowly pulled it upward. When it neared his arms and they had to break apart to go any further, the resolute look in her eyes was the only thing that let him lift his arms so she could pull it over his head. Once discarded, her hands found their way back to his bare chest. She ran just fingertips over the small amount of thin, greying hair that resided over his heart, and it warmed her to feel it beating so steadily beneath her palms.

Henry gently placed his hands on the small of her back and she pressed herself flush to him in a show of confidence where their lips and tongues met again. He took that as his cue and let his hands slide upward, feeling every curve and muscle of her back and shoulders. He loved the feel of her beneath his hands. She was so strong and resilient, but still melted under his touch in moments like these. She was beginning to feel more like Elizabeth, the one he remembered before. She swayed against him, totally lost in his arms, the nightmare long forgotten.

Elizabeth felt hazy, like she used to when she was alone with Henry, and couldn't stop the smile that shone through their kiss. She couldn't understand how his touch had set her off that night, but took away all her thoughts and made her feel alive now. Skillful fingers moved to her own nightshirt, opening the buttons one by one. When it finally fell open and dropped from her shoulders, she snaked her arms up around his neck and pulled her bare chest to his. He hugged her tiny frame to his and never wanted to let her go.

Breathless, they surfaced for air. Foreheads touching, they just stared, completely mesmerized by each other. It was the next thing she realised she had missed; just the feeling of his skin against hers. The way he could still make her shiver and set her alight. That she could forget where she was and time would stand still.

"Do you know how valiant I think you are? Or how brave you've been, and just how much you've overcome?" Henry asked her quietly in between small kisses, chests rising and falling, pressed flush to one another.

"That was you baby, that was all you. I wouldn't have survived without you." Elizabeth replied, because to her, it was all true. She meant every word. Henry had been her saviour and fought for her where others might have given up or walked away.

"Yeah you would have, you're so much stronger than you think."

"Maybe, but I still don't know where I'd be without you. I love you, so, so much." She kissed him again, taking in every sensation, every feeling he brought her.

"I love you, too." He sealed with another kiss. They climbed back into bed, Elizabeth's back pressed to Henry's chest. The feeling of unease from before was gone and she was able drift off easily, wrapped in Henry's arms.


End file.
